The Grass is Always Greener...

OK...I know it's been awhile since I've written anything on here. Almost seven months, in fact. I won't make any excuses. Lots of other things started occupying my time, and I just haven't made the time to write. There have been a TON of times that I thought, that would make a perfect blog post, but I just never got around to getting on the computer and doing it. I won't make any promises I can't keep, and I'm not one who's big on New Year's resolutions, but I will say I'm going to try and get on here much more than have I over the past year!

I think it's normal that at this time of year everyone starts reflecting on the previous year. We look back at what we did...and what we didn't do. We look at our success and our failures, our gains and our losses, the challenges we faced and the obstacles we overcame. I think it's also normal that everyone is looking forward to the New Year with all of the possibilities that it holds. It's like a fresh start every 365 days. I've always looked at it that way, too. But this year, I'm looking at it much differently...

I'm sure you've heard the old saying, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But, isn't it true? For some reason, we are never content with what we have. We always look for something different to make us happy. Around January 1, it's the prospect of a New Year that we look to. The grass during 2012 wasn't quite green enough, but maybe 2013 will have grass that's just a little bit greener.

It would be VERY easy for me to say exactly that, especially after the year we've had! But, guess what? I said that last year after the horrible 2011 we had. We were so anxious to say goodbye to 2011. We were so excited to put all of that behind us and move into 2012. But, 2012 has had its own challenges for us. It has been equally trying and stressful. And it would be so easy to say, once again, "I am SO glad this year is over!" But, not this time!

Here's where my attitude has changed. In 2011, we dealt with a LOT!!! But, when we said that we were so glad 2011 was over and behind us, we were neglecting to recognize all the amazing things that happened during that year. For example, even though Matt was in the hospital for 21 days, and it was one of the most exhausting, trying experiences I've ever had, God went to work during that time. Out of that situation came a new church home for us filled with some of the most caring, loving people we've ever met! And many of them are now very dear friends to us. Had he not been in the hospital, those things might have never happened. And the same holds true for 2012. We have been through a lot this year as well. I could make a list, but I'll spare you the details! But, a lot of really wonderful things have happened too! So, this year instead of saying, "Thank goodness 2012 is over! I'm ready to start over in 2013!" I'm going to say lots of prayers thanking God for the hundreds of ways He's blessed us this year. I'm going to thank Him for using the adversity I faced to make me a better person. I'm going to thank Him for holding me up when I couldn't hold myself up. I'm going to thank Him for giving me a joy that can't be taken away by anything that could ever possibly happen to me. And, I'm going to ask Him to continue to use me and work through me in 2013. Happy New Year!

However many years anyone may live, let them enjoy them all. But let them remember the days of darkness, for there will be many. ~Ecclestiastes 11:8

Just Tell Me What I'm Doing!

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind for me.

It started with my principal telling me there was a "very slight" chance he may be moving me to pre-k next year. He said he really didn't think it was going to happen, but he wanted to give me a heads-up just in case it did. I really wasn't very happy about the idea of moving to pre-k. First, I was supposed to loop with my K class, and I really didn't want to have to break it to them that I wasn't going to be their teacher next year. And second, I've gotten pretty attached to my teaching partner, we work VERY well together, and I was really sad about not working with her anymore. But, I just started praying really hard for God to put me where He wanted me to be.

Well, not too long after that, my principal told me that I was, in fact, moving to pre-k. I was NOT happy! I spent a lot of time trying to wrap my brain around what was happening and praying, praying, praying for God to help me with that. And...of course...He did! I was able to find some peace with the "divorce" as my teaching partner and I have nicknamed it. I had the very difficult talk with my K kids about next year. I went to some pre-k trainings. I was actually able to start getting excited about this new chapter in my career.

Then...two weeks ago, my principal told me he may NOT be moving me to pre-k after all. My first though was, "Are you kidding me?????" I packed and moved my entire room. I've spent every day since school got out reading about and planning for pre-k. I even had to organize and pack the pre-k room before summer school started. I was finally at peace with moving to pre-k, and now it may not be happening anyway. Can we not just make a decision and stick with it?  Once again...prayers. This time I was praying for God to keep me at peace AND for Him to show me where He wants me to be!! Ugh!

And then on Friday, the final gust from the whirlwind (for now) came. I got a call to interview for a literacy specialist position that I applied for about 2 months ago. I have wanted a position like this for as long as I can remember! My interview is today in about 4 hours! From the minute I got the call, I have so badly wanted to pray for God to help me get this job. But, I haven't. I have continued to pray for Him to show me where He wants me to be.

So, I have NO idea what I will be doing when the school year starts in August! But I am certain that whatever I am doing, I will be there because I listened to what God told me to do! I'm not going to lie though, this is one time when I REALLY hope His plan for me is the same as my plan! But if it's not, that's OK. Like Matt said yesterday, if I'm praying for the right thing to happen, I should be happy no matter what happens. Whether I get the job or not, whether I teach pre-k or K/1, it's what God wants me to do right now, and following His plan is always something to be happy about!

Stay on the lookout for an update once all the dust has settled!

Give me a revelation, show me what to do.
Cause I've been trying to find my way, I haven't got a clue.
Tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move? 
Give me a revelation, I've nothing without You.
~Third Day

Love, Do Good, Bless, and Pray

We all have people that don't like us. We all probably even have people who would say that they "hate" us. We all have people who talk badly about us behind our backs, try to turn others against us, or try to damage our reputation. You may even have people in your life who go so far as to try to hurt you as much as they can whenever possible. It really is amazing how vindictive and spiteful people can be. But...I can't really judge them because I have done all of those things before more times than I care to admit. If someone wronged me, hurt me, talked about me behind my back, or just treated me badly in general, I was the first one to put the "eye for an eye" rule into place. If you hurt me, I'll hurt you back. If you damage my reputation, I'll damage yours.

But not anymore...

Over the last few years, I have become painfully aware that I was NOT responding to my "enemies" in an appropriate way. Sure, it made me feel better temporarily. But, long term...what did I accomplish? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Except, at some point, it just made me feel worse.

In the last few months, Matt and I have reached a point in our lives where we turn to the bible when we aren't sure how to handle a situation. So, the last couple days, we have spent probably 2-3 hours reading scripture and discussing how to respond to someone who hurts you. (And I mean REALLY hurts you!) From all of our reading, I have landed on four things listed in the bible that God is VERY clear that He wants us to do, and one that is inferred from the countless places in the bible where He talks about how much He loves us and how He wants to bless our lives. The scripture that I'm referring to is this:

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ~Luke 6:27-28

 The first thing God wants us to do is to love our enemies. I know, I know, this seems impossible to do. I am trying, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. I just keep praying that God will show me how He wants me to love the people who are my "enemies." The funny thing is, the more I pray for Him to show me how to love them, the less bitter and angry I feel toward them. I may not be ready to love them just yet, but God is getting me there! And, if I keep praying about it every day, eventually I will be able to love them like He wants me to!

The second thing God asks of us is do good to those who hate us. Again...seems impossible! All they do is tear me down EVERY time they get the opportunity, and I'm supposed to do good to them??? Well...YES!!! That's exactly what God is calling us to do! He wants action from us. He doesn't just want us to change our thoughts about those people, but He wants us to change our actions as well. Now, I don't know about you, but I read this and immediately thought, "But no matter what I do, they will throw it back in my face or turn it around to make it look bad on me somehow." Or..."No matter what I do, this relationship will NOT get any better! In fact, anything I do towards this person will probably make it worse!" All of that may be true. But, here's the reality of things: We do not control how someone else reacts to us. We control how we treat them. He will judge us for our own actions, not their reactions. So, He wants us to do good to them, whether that kindness is well-received or not. Again, I am still struggling with this one, but I am working on it and praying about it!

The third thing God wants us to do is bless those who curse us. This one has been the easiest one for me to internalize. Every time those particular people pop into my  head in a negative way, I immediately say a prayer for God to bless them. "God, please bless ______." I say it over and over again, until my negative thoughts are gone. So, I'm really accomplishing two things. First, I am lifting that person up in prayer, asking God to bless them. Second, I am taking away my own opportunity to sit and stew over what they have done to me. I am removing the bitterness and anger before they can really take hold of me. I am focusing on God instead of focusing on the pain and hurt. And, I'm not gonna lie...it is really making a difference for me!

The fourth thing God is asking us to do in this scripture is to pray for those who mistreat us. Again, this has been a little easier for me to do. If I am praying for them instead of dwelling on how angry I am or how badly I was hurt, I am not nearly as likely to get bitter and angry. Plus, praying for the people who are trying to tear me down keeps my focus on God and what He wants me to do, rather than simply following the path my emotions would lead me down.

Now, all that being said, I think there is a 5th thing that is very important for us to understand. We can love our enemies, do good to those who hate us, bless those who curse us, and pray for those who mistreat us without allowing those same people to continue to hurt us. God does not want us to be hurt. He does not want us to be mistreated. He does not want us to be controlled by our enemies. This is why the fifth thing we need to do is establish very clear boundaries in our relationships with these people to keep them from continuously hurting us over and over and over. We have to look at the situation very closely and figure out exactly where those boundaries need to be drawn so that we protect ourselves from the physical, emotional, or spiritual blows that they may be throwing at us. God may want us to forgive and love those who hurt us, but that doesn't mean we have to say, "I forgive you, now do it again and I'll forgive you again."

I am trying really hard to put these things into practice. But...it is not easy! The problem is, now that I am aware that this is what God wants me to do, I can NOT ignore it. I have to do my best to follow each of these things every single day. Some are easier than others, but I am making a true effort to do ALL of them. And, I really hope you can do the same thing! But, don't do it because I told you to. Go into the bible yourself. Read the scripture for yourself. Think about it, chew on it, research it, talk to people about it, and see what conclusion you come to. Then, act on it!

If you come to the same conclusion I did...let me know! I'd love to hear about it! And...if you come to a different conclusion than I did, let me know that, too!! This is very close to my heart right now, I would love to hear about it if you have a different spin on all of this!

The Self-Doubt Monster

Well....the school year is almost over, and I don't think I've ever been so glad to see a year come to an end! This has been an incredibly difficult year for me, and I am ready for it to draw to a close. Every single aspect of my life has been extremely challenging in one way or another. There were days I felt like I couldn't even drag myself out of bed to face what was in front of me. But, I always did. I guess the good news is that every challenge has drawn me closer to God, and I have been able to find immense strength from leaning on Him and letting Him help me through everything. The bad news is that the year as a whole has left me with a lot of self-doubt that I am trying to overcome.

A lot of people are afraid to admit something like that. But, for me, sharing it and working through it like this really helps. I know that my naysayers will take great joy in reading this, but I'm not writing it for them anyway. So, here goes...

The Self-Doubt Monster is on my back in a very real way. As a teacher, you are responsible for the progress of your kiddos, no matter what the circumstances. Most of my kids made great progress this year. But, a few of them did not. I know that I was out a lot in the fall due to family issues, for 3 weeks in December with Matt, and for a week in March with Chelsea. I also know that I had not one, but two student teachers this year, so I didn't teach my class much at all second semester. I also know that circumstances in other areas of my life left me pretty overwhelmed and exhausted 99% of the time, which left almost no energy to put towards school.  But, all that aside, I am still responsible for where they are as the year comes to an end. I just keep thinking that I should have found more energy, more time, more motivation... I absolutely did not give 100% to my job this year...I didn't have it to give.

I know that each day, I gave what I had. But, that wasn't enough. I am not happy with how this year went at all. And, the sad part is that, even though I can sit here and rationalize the whole situation and list the 5 million reasons why my year wasn't what I wanted it to be, I still find myself questioning my abilities. Am I a good teacher? Do I really know what I am doing? Should I try to find a different profession? It may sound silly, but this is what has been resonating in my head the last few weeks.

I think somewhere, way way WAY down deep, I still know that I am good teacher. I have had difficult years before (especially the last 3), but never one like this, and I've always gotten good results. The people who are close to me, who have actually been in my classroom, who have actually seen what goes on, all assure me that I am very good at what I do. And, I really do value their opinions. I just have to get my confidence back so that I can share that same opinion.

So, here's what I'm doing.... praying, praying, praying!! After all, the only opinion that really matters is God's! Apparently He thinks I am good at what I do because He has led me to teaching AND kept me here for 14 years! I've tried twice to leave and do something different, but each time it ended up breaking my heart to be out of the classroom, so I went back. He doesn't make mistakes, and He wants me to be a teacher! I just keep reading scripture that is uplifting and reassuring and listening to music that does the same. Eventually, I will get it. Eventually, I will get out of this funk I'm in. Eventually, life will settle down, and I will be back to 100%. Eventually I will be back to the teacher I know I am. Until then.... I will keep trying not to let the doubt defeat me!

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect in until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 1:6

From "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe:
Jesus come and break my fear, awake my heart and take my tears, find Your glory even here, where the hurt and the Healer collide.

What Does it Mean to Trust God?

Trusting in God's plan.... What exactly does that mean? Does it mean that we have no say in what happens in our lives? No. Does it mean that we will always be happy with what happens? Absolutely not. Does it mean that we are powerless to control the outcome of any situation? No. Trusting in God's plan can mean so many different things. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes it's the most difficult thing we have been called on to do. Personally, I have experienced it in many different situations at different times in my life. I may not be 100% correct about what it means to trust in His plan, but I'd like to share what I've arrived at after being faced with several situations back-to-back that left me with no choice but to trust Him.

We have been bombarded the last 6 months with difficult situations: Matt's health, Matt's employment, Ashley, Matt's family, Chelsea's health, my job, and now our pastor at church getting reassigned despite great efforts to keep him by many of our members. (If you've followed this blog at all, you know about all of these except our pastor. However, the rumor mill is responsible for fueling a lot of that fire, so I really don't want to make that the focus of this particular blog post.) In every one of these situations, I got to a point where all I could do was look to God and say, "I trust You!" By doing that, I was never giving up hope or relinquishing my responsibility to do my part. I have had to learn what it means to TRULY trust God in all situations, and it was (and continues to be) far from easy.

All of us have an agenda for our lives. Maybe it's what we are doing today. Maybe it's what we're doing for the next 20 years. But we all have an agenda. I know Matt and I thought we had the rest of our lives mapped out until about 6 months ago. But, God also has an agenda for us. Sometimes, our agenda and His match up. That's when it's easy. That's when we're happy. But, sometimes we want something different for ourselves that what He wants for us. This is when it becomes difficult. We absolutely have the power to keep forcing our own will in our lives to make things happen the way we want them to. We can ignore the subtle messages He sends us from day to day that let us know He really wants us going a different direction. Most of the time, we can actually get what we want by doing this. But, when we exert our own will over God's will, we are, in essence, saying to Him, "Lord, I don't trust you at all, so I'm doing it my way."

What I have learned though, is that my way is not always the best way. For me, trusting His plan means that I know in my heart that He wants what is best for me, whether I agree with it or not. If He is pulling me in a direction I'm not really comfortable with, or even completely opposed to, I have to trust that putting my efforts into making His plan work is exactly what I need to do. I have to find a sense of peace about what is happening around me, and I have to have faith in the fact He has blessings waiting for me on the other side.

Don't get me wrong, there have been many times that I was NOT happy with how His plan unfolded (especially today). I DO get upset and angry about many things that happen in my life. Trusting God does not mean that you are not human. Trusting God does not mean that you are always happy. But, it does mean that in EVERY situation, you move forward thoughtfully and prayerfully and do what He is calling you to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight.  ~Proverbs 3:5-6

I do want to close by saying that I personally want to wish our pastor nothing but the best in his future endeavors. I pray that God blesses him and his family in ways not one could ever expect or comprehend. He has touched our lives in so many ways, and he will be deeply missed!

The Gossip Train

So, I've really been thinking a lot about something lately. Why do people in general find so much pleasure in talking about other people? I know you have noticed that. Practically everyone does it. Sometimes it it harmless...simply discussing things we've seen or done with others. But, more often than not, it is full blown gossip. When we hear something, we run and tell someone else, especially if the we've heard something "newsworthy." The problem with this is that SO many people get hurt because of things that are said, especially when those things aren't true.

Recently, I've been involved (in one way or another) in three different situations where gossip was running rampant. Two of these situations aren't really things I want to go into detail about, but I can tell you that the rumors that were circulating were extremely hurtful, damaging, and potentially life-altering for the people whose lives were being put on display. The third situation is the rumor mill at school. The old saying, "telegram, telephone, tell-a-teacher" is SO true!! And, this time of year is always the worst! Everyone is specualting about who is leaving, who is staying, and who is changing grades. It's no secret anymore that I've applied for a transfer to another school. It has also become common knowledge that I had an interview last week at a school closer to home. And, although it hasn't gotten back to me yet, it's probably now also well known that I did not get offered that position. All three of these things are factual, so (at least to my knowledge) there aren't any false rumors about me going around. But, I was really amazed at how quickly the news spread. Yes, I told a handful of people what my plans were. So, I am fine with them knowing. That's why I told them. But when people who I almost never see and rarely talk to are asking my student teacher, "Did Stephanie hear if she got that job yet?" I was really bothered.

First of all, it's my business to tell, not someone else's. It's not that I don't want people to know. It's just that I would like to have some level of control over who knows the in's and out's of what's going on in my life. Secondly, gossip that starts out as the truth never stays that way. It always mutates and almost takes on a life of its own. At some point, the rumor mill will be spreading information that is not true at all, if that hasn't happened already. It just doesn't feel good to know that people are talking about you behind your back.

Now...I will be the first to admit that I have been guilty of this myself. But, I will also tell you that I have really been making a concious effort to avoid it. If someone tells me something in confidence, I tell no one. If I hear information second hand, I don't pass it along. If I hear something straight from the source, and the source is OK with me sharing it, I will if I am asked. But, I really try not to go running around telling everyone I see everything I hear. It just isn't right.

I guess I just wish everyone would be a little more aware of who they might be hurting with what they are saying. We teach our students to differentiate between fact and opinion, fantasy and reality. We teach our children that "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." So, my question is....

If we can teach our students and children these lessons, why do we have such a hard time with them ourselves???

The bottom line is, I don't get bogged down in what people are saying about me. I know who I am and what I stand for. I know what is going on in my life and I make sure the people close to me know as well. I know that my God sees me for who I am, and He NEVER joins a gossip train or rumor mill! His opinion is #1, my family's is #2, and my friends' is #3. Anyone else's opinion, quite franlky, just doesn't matter.

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. ~Proverbs 16:28

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ~Ephesians 4:29

Leaving the Past in the Past??

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to truly leave your past in your past? I know I have! Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things in my past that I enjoyed at the time, were extremely positive experiences, and I still enjoy remembering. However, we all have things that we have done, things that have been done to us, or situations we simply were a witness to that are not exactly what we would refer to as positive. And the funny thing is...it seems like those negative experiences just won't leave us alone.
I don't want to go into details, but there is a particular part of my immediate past that I am having an extremely difficult time moving past. Every time I think it is behind me, it pops up again. I have done everything within my control to keep it in the past and to not let it affect me anymore. However, as you all know, we are not in control of a large portion of what happens in our daily lives. What we are in control of is how we react to what happens in our daily lives. But...even this...I am struggling with.

I pray almost daily for God to give me peace with this situation. I pray for the people involved in this situation. I pray that they will come to know the same God that I know, in the way that I know Him. I pray that He will intervene in this situation to provide guidance to everyone involved, myself included. I pray that He will show the others involved the true intentions of my heart in every decision I have made regarding this situation. And, I pray for Him to give me the strength to forgive the people in this situation who have hurt me, spoken badly about me, turned others against me, and attempted to draw me away from Him.

But, even within those prayers (that I pray often), I battle a HUGE amount of anger and resentment for the very people I am praying for. When people are constantly trying to bring you down, it is terribly difficult to control your anger towards them, let alone to NOT be angry with them. I can't tell you how many times I have said, "God, please take this off my heart!" I am doing my best to turn this over to God, to trust in His plan, and to find solice in the fact that His opinion is the only opinion of me that matters. But, when you are faced with reminders of these painful situations that keep resurfacing, especially when those situations involve people who despise you with every fiber of their being, it is REALLY tough to forgive the people involved, find a sense of peace with the situation, and move past it. However, I know that is exactly what He wants me to do.

I was reminded of this when I logged on to Facebook this evening, and I read a post from Joyce Meyer. It said, "The past is like a magnet; it's always trying to draw us back, but Jesus wants to draw us forward." I read that and immediately thought that I have never read a statement more relevant to my current struggles!  Dwelling on the past does not help you to move forward. Focusing on anger that you are harboring from prior situations only limits your ability to embrace new situations. You really cannot truly move forward if you are constantly looking behind you. The past is always there. It happened. You can't change it. But, you can absolutely change the direction of your thoughts, feelings, and choices from this moment forward!!

I will continue to pray for God to help me forgive these particular people who have hurt me in so many ways. I will also continue to pray for God to forgive me for the things I have done to them. I will also continue to pray for God to help me forgive them for the pain and hurt they have caused me. I may not be there yet, but I do know that I will never truly be at peace with this situation until I am able to forgive them. I also understand that as long as I am hanging on to the anger that I have for them, and as long as I am not able to truly forgive them, the situation will continue to haunt me. The past will continue to draw me back, and Jesus will not be able to draw me forward.

I think true forgiveness is one of the most difficult tasks we are given, but also one of the most crucial. I am not perfect. It is not easy. All I can do is pray for God's assistance and attempt to make steps towards it every single day. It is a gradual process and, in time, and with His help, I will get there!! In the meantime...I will do the best I can!!

...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:13-14

Chelsea Update: Longest 5 Hours of My Life!

What started out as a really good day yesterday, led to the most difficult 5 hours I've ever had to endure. But, even within that, God's presence was overwhelming! Here's the story...

We are still working on resolving the GI issue they discovered. That was improving, and she was starting to improve. She was awake for several hours, watched some TV, and had some badly needed and long overdue laughs when her school volloeyball coach came for a visit. We had a really good talk with a dietician about some dietary things we can do to keep this from happening again. She seemed to be getting some strength back. Overall, we were all very encouraged! The doctor wanted to repeat one scan to check her GI system and see if the issue was completely resolved of not. They came to take her down to x-ray. That is when things started going badly...

Chelsea started having a reaction to one of the medicines she's had, although we had no idea at the time what was really happening to her. It started with her jaw muscles contracting and her tongue thrusting out of her mouth. That continuously got worse, and after about 30 minutes, her neck started seizing. (I don't know if it's actually considered a seizure, but that's the word I'm using to try to give you the right mental image.) Her head was being pulled as far to the left and as far back as it would go, and she couldn't stop it. She was asking me to try and hold her head to keep it forward. I tried, but I couldn't keep it forward no matter how hard I tried. Her neck was contracting that hard. After that, her eyes started rolling back in her head. At this point, we were all getting a little scared. We knew it MIGHT be a reaction to the medicine, but they had given her Benadryl and it wasn't helping yet. We didn't know why it was happing. We didn't know how bad it was going to get. There was just a lot we didn't know. I just kept holding her hand and trying to keep her calm. Matt got back and was able to actually spend some time really talking to the nurse and doctor. That's when we found out that it was definitely a reaction. Her jaw and neck kept seizing for about an hour longer, but they finally subsided. She was OK for about an hour, then round two started. It wasn't as severe as the first round, but it lasted about an hour and a half. It finally stopped around 11:00, and, praise God, didn't happen again. That was the most difficult 5 hours I can ever remember having to endure. But, the real story within this story isn't the "seizures." It's the way Chelsea handled it....

When the first round was really kicking into high gear, Chelsea grabbed my hand and through the seizures and pain, with very slow and deliberate speech said, "Mommy, don't stop praying! You can't stop praying! I'm not stopping! God is here, and He's going to make me better!" I was completely astonished! I have always known Chelsea had a strong faith, but for a 16-year-old who is going through the scariest, most painful experience ever, with no idea why it's happening, to make the choice to get through it by turning to God...  Well, let's just say I don't even have a word to describe how amazing it was! Throughout the whole evening, she prayed, used Christian music to stay calm, and asked us to pray over her. I just kept telling her what an amazing testimony she was going to have when this was all said and done!! What's even more amazing is that, once again, we saw first hand how real God's presence is and how he truly can heal those who cry out to him. About 5 minutes after Matt prayed over her, the doctor came in and said there was one more medicine they could give her that might help to relax her muscles some to help get her through. They gave it to her, and about 10 minutes later the "seizure" ended. I am so blessed to have been witness to yet another act of God's hand healing someone I love who is hurting so badly!

The good news is, today has already been MUCH better! She's really exhausted, of course, so she's been sleeping a lot. But, she is talking better, getting around better, finally strong enough to feed herself, and in much less pain. We are on the downslide of the GI issue as well. I'm pretty sure we aren't going home today, but it seems like there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel!

When you pray today, please continue to pray for her healing. But, also please say another prayer of thanks to the amazing God we serve for His presence in this room and in Chelsea's heart, and for the work He has already done for her!

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  ~Romans 5:3-4

Finally Some Answers About Chelsea!!!

So, here I am again...writing from a hospital room. I can't even believe this is happening. Almost three months to the day after I took Matt to the ER, I had to take Chelsea. For Chelsea's sake, I will spare you all the specific details, but here's our last 4 days in a nutshell...

We brought her to the ER on Sunday when she was having abdominal pain so severe it was bringingn her to tears. She had already been sick for 2 weeks, and the pain was just more than she could bear anymore. They really weren't sure what was wrong with her, and she was in so much pain that they decided to admit her. During that first day, the main goal was was to make her comfortable. However, morphine did nothing. Dilotid (don't know if I spelled that right, but it's 10x stronger than morphine) did nothing. She was in pain, and nothing helped her.

On Monday, it was more of the same. They did several tests, most of which came back normal. They still had no idea what was causing her pain. One test indicated there might be gall bladder issues, but it was nothing conclusive enough to say that was for sure the problem. The prospect of surgery, combined with no diagnosis, no pain relief, and the recent memory of Matt's hospitalization left her scared, confused, weak, and still hurting.

On Tuesday, it was more of the same...again. Still no pain relief, no matter what they gave her. Still no answers. They did find one possibility in her GI tract, and began an attempted treatment of that. During that time, the decision was made to move her to Children's. The transfer finally happened while she was in the middle of that treatment, so she didn't get to complete it. We got to Children's Tuesday evening, and were pretty much in a holding pattern for the night. They had to go over her records, review her films, and decide on a course of action. They again tried to make her comfortable to no avail. They ended up giving her some medicine that just made her sleep to get her through the night. The good news with that was that ALL of us finally got some badly needed rest, making it possible for us to tackle the next day with a little more energy.

Today started off with more of the same. She was hurting. Nothing helped. They had no idea what was wrong. They really didn't feel it necessary to do any more tests, as they thought they had looked at everything that could be going on in the tests that had already been done. Needless to say, Matt, my mom, Chelsea's dad, and I had all had it. It has been HORRIBLE to sit and watch her cry and moan in pain day after day. It has been HORRIBLE to listen to her beg me to help her, but not be able to help her. It has been HORRIBLE to keep telling her to be strong and that she could get through this, knowing that she was hanging on by a thread. She was on the verge of breaking, and to be honest, so was I. For four days, I have spent every spare minute praying for God to help her. If I wasn't holding a cold rag on her head, holding her hand, helping her walk to and from the bathroom, feeding her, or stroking her hair telling her that everything was going to be OK, I was praying. Deep down inside, I knew God was listening, but I just didn't understand why He wasn't helping her. My prayers were silent, but trust me when I say, I was still crying out to Him at the top of my lungs on several occasions. Then, late this afternoon, we had a visitor that, I believe, was the blessing we had been waiting for...

A new friend of Matt's who leads a bible study that Matt attends weekly had heard that Chelsea was in the hospital. He really didn't know any of the details, but he asked if he could come pray over her. Of course, we welcomed him with open arms!! He came and visited with us for a little while. Then, he put his hand on Chelsea's shoulder and started praying. He prayed for quite awhile, asking God take to take whatever was causing her pain out of her. He prayed this same request in several different ways over about ten minutes. When he was done, he also assured Chelsea that God was here in the room with her, and asked her if she could take all of her worry and stress and give it to God. In her complete and total exhaustion, she slowly nodded her head. After a few more minutes, he left. Not even 30 minutes after that, one of the doctors came in with a computer. She had an image from a test they did earlier that day that she wanted to show us. (This was a test I asked them to repeat based on our pediatrician's suggestion, to see if the GI issue they found earlier this week truly had resolved.) We looked at the image which clearly showed that the issue was not even close to being resolved, and it was blatantly obvious that this issue WAS the source of Chelsea's pain after all. They promptly resumed treatment for it, and we are now in the middle of that process.  By this time tomorrow, she should be feeling a ton better!!

It just amazes me how God is always so faithful. He has never left us, and truly has been working since the minute she got sick. I knew I had to trust in His plan and His timetable, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I've told Him many times this week that trusting in it does NOT mean I have to like it! Strength and courage became our mantras this week, and God has definitely helped all of us to have the strength and courage to make it through this. Once again, the greatness of an amazing God is proven in my life! Now we just has to keep pressing on to get all the way to the finish line!

Please continue to keep Chelsea in your prayers as she finishes this treatment and works towards total healing. And, please don't forget to thank God for the work He is doing with my baby girl!!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  ~Joshua 1:9

Prayers for Chelsea...Part 2

Well...I wish I had better news to report. Chelsea is still sick. In fact, she's gotten worse. She has been out of school for 2 weeks now and has been to the doctor three times. She is nautious, has a persistent headache, gets dizzy, is extremely weak and fatigued, and is having chest pain. All the lab work they did on Monday came back normal, except one test that showed that one of her liver enzymes was slightly elevated. He wasn't concerned about this at the time, because it was only slightly elevated, and he said it is normal for that to happen when your body is fighting off something. He also said the chest pain was in the joints in her rib cage, and that her heart and lungs seemed fine. He thought she just had a really nasty virus that could take up to 2 weeks to clear up.

Since then, she started having pain in her right side (right where her liver is), and her chest pain has become constant. Her headache has moved to a different part of her head. All of her other symptoms have stayed exactly the same. She has also started having trouble remembering things and is have the most crazy, bizarre, and sometimes quite frightening nightmares. She is exhausted all the time, but can't really sleep much. We went back to see the doctor today, and now he thinks it's a migraine. He didn't say much about her liver, even though when he barely pushed on it during his examination, it hurt her so badly it almost brought her to tears. He prescribed her a new migraine medicine, as the last one did nothing, but I am a little wary of giving it to her. He said it is an anti-depressant, but it can also be used to treat migrains. It just seems a little extreme to give her a mood-altering drug when my gut is telling me there is something else going on...this is not just a migraine.

For those of you who have been following this blog since the beginning, this may be sounding eerily familiar to you. A lot of what Chelsea is going through right now is extremely similar to what Matt went through, even though the cause of his illness was completely different. I completely trust her doctor, but we are in the process of seeking a second opinion, as I really feel that a fresh set of eyes on this is needed at this point.

I am having a VERY difficult time keeping myself from comparing this to Matt's ordeal. This has just been going on for too long, with no concrete answers, and she isn't getting any better. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared right now. I have been praying like crazy for God to intervene and heal her, or at least just give her a little relief. I've been praying like crazy for God to give the doctor some insight into what is going on with her. I know He hears me...but I also know that He will hear all of you, too. So, once again, I am asking for your help!!! Please, please, PLEASE pray for my baby girl! (Yes, she's 16, but she's still my baby!) Pass this along to any other prayer warriors you know, as well! Matt's ordeal was proof of the power of prayer, and I fully believe it can work now, too!!

Once again, I am trusting in God's plan. I am trusting in God's time table. I am trusting that He knows what He is doing. But, at the same time, as a mother, my heart is breaking...

I WILL praise Him in this storm!

Prayers for Chelsea

Well...here I am again, asking for prayers. This time they are for Chelsea. She has been sick since last Sunday. She picked up a stomach virus from her little sister last weekend while visiting her dad. She started throwing up Sunday evening after she got home. She stopped throwing up Monday evening, but was still feeling nauseated, weak, dizzy, and had a pretty bad headache. These all persisted the whole week. In fact, she didn't go to school at all last week, which is VERY unusual for her! I took her to the doctor Friday after school. He said she was severly dehydrated from being sick earlier in the week, and that the dehydration was probably causing all of her symptoms. He told me to make sure she was drinking at least 3 liters of Pedialyte a day and also wanted her to take a probiotic medicine 3 times a day. He really thought she would be feeling better as soon as yesterday, and that she would probably be getting close to normal by today.

So, I have been shoving Pedialyte down her like there's no tomorrow, and she has been taking the probiotic stuff, too. But, she hasn't gotten any better. She is so weak and tired, all she can do is just lay in bed. She did get up and go to church with us this morning, but you could just tell how miserable she was by looking at her. Tonight I let the doctor know she wasn't any better, and he wants to see her again tomorrow to do some lab work. I was planning on making the appointment as late as possible since I now get docked every time I take off, but about 30 minutes ago, she let me know that she is now having chest pains. So, if we make it through the night without having to go to the ER, I think I'm opting for the earliest appointment I can get, and I'll just deal with getting docked!

I'm really worried about her. This just isn't like her. She is normally such a healthy person! She NEVER gets sick. But, whatever is going on right now has completely thrown her for a loop. I am praying that it is something simple and easily treated. But, I also know from recent experiences, that you never know what is around the corner. I don't really think it's going to be anything major, but I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself...just in case it is. I think I am just not distanced enough from Matt's whole ordeal yet to be completely at ease right now. Looks like Momma probably won't be getting much sleep tonight...

Please add Chelsea to your prayer list! Pray for God's healing hands to wrap around her and help her get better. Pray for the doctor who is caring for her to have the wisdom to make the right diagnosis. And, pray that no one else in my family gets whatever it is that she has.

It is on days like this that I am so extremely thankful that I serve such an amazing God! I know He has a plan, and whatever that plan may be, we will be ready for it. Whether this is something big or something small, God will get us through it and help Chelsea get better!!

My "Ah-Ha" Moment!!

So, I had a major "ah-ha" moment at church yesterday that I really want to share!

In Sunday school, we started a new book study using the book, "The Prodigal God." It takes a really close look at The Parable of The Lost Son. All we have looked at so far is the video made by the author of the book that introduces the book and its main points. But, the main gist of it is that Jesus wans't only talking about the younger son (who was disobedient and left home) as being lost. He was also talking about the older son being lost as well, because his motivation for being obedient was all wrong. He was using the example to minister to both the sinners and the Pharisees who were listening to him. Everyone needs God's grace and forgiveness just as much as the next person does, and no one is entitled to sit at God's table just because they've done a list of good things here on Earth.

That video led to a very good discussion about several different points, but one in particular really struck me...the part about forgiveness. See, I've really been struggling lately with being able to forgive myself for some really stupid stuff I did when I was younger. (Let's just suffice it to say that high school and college were NOT the brightest points of my life!) And, I think I have also been struggling with truly believing that God could actually forgive me for everything I've done. Matt and I were actually talking about this exact thing when we went to dinner on Valentine's Day, and he made a comment to me that really made me mad at the time. He said, "Steph, if you feel that way, then you haven't truly accepted God's grace yet." Boy, I didn't like that at all! And I thought, "Are you crazy? Of course I have! You don't know what you're talking about!" But, I just finished my dinner pretty much in silence until we went home.

He really got me thinking though. I had been thinking about it all week...until yesterday...when we just happened to be talking about forgiveness in Sunday school. But, my "ah-ha" moment didn't come until after the class was officially over, when Matt and I were continuing the discussion with one of the men in our class. He made a comment that went straight to my heart and soul. He said that once you accept Christ as your Savior and ask God to forgive your sins, you are forgiven, you are saved by His grace, and the person you used to be is gone. You are a completely new person in Him.

This was such a revelation to me! All along I have been beating myself up over things that I did years ago...but, I am not that same person today! I do not need to carry around the guilt for things that another person (one who was extremely lost and not walking with God) did in her blindness and stupidity. The minute I asked Him to forgive those sins and make me His child once again, He did. So...I don't have to forgive myself for the things I did earlier in my life, because that was not the same life I am living now! I guess I've always heard the term "born again," but I finally really understand and embrace the reality of what God's grace does when you are born again!

For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. ~Luke 15:24

Ever Feel Invisible???

Do you ever feel completely and totally invisible? Well...OK...maybe not TOTALLY invisible, but just like the people around you don't truly see you? I know I do sometimes! Especially as a wife and a mom of three very busy kids! Sometimes it just feels like I get shoved into the role of being Mommy, and the person that is Stephanie gets lost somewhere in the shuffle. It can be caused by a million different things...our daily schedule gets too busy, the kids are especially needy, new jobs and new demands place our focus elsewhere, health issues move to the forefront, financial worries take over our converstaions...Well, that covers a few of the million!

I've really been feeling like this lately. For about the last two weeks, I have felt like all I do is go through the motions of taking care of everyone else around me and catering to their needs all day long. And, the really stupid thing is, I think I'm feeling this way for completely selfish reasons. I mean, moms and wives are supposed to be the constant caregivers, right? That's what we do! I don't ever remember telling my mom to go realx while I did the dishes or the laundry, and I surely never spent my days getting things for her, making meals for her, or taking her where she needed to go! But, nevertheless, I still get in these moods every once in awhile...

The good news is that, this time, I've been dealing with it much better. Even though I can feel overworked and under appreciated, I just keep reminding myself of what I'm really here for. I'm not here to gain the approval of those around me. I don't love and care for my family just to get something out of them in return. I take care of them like I do because I love them all SO much! And, I live my life each day to gain the approval (hopefully) of God. Even when I feel like those around me aren't really seeing me at all, I know He is. That's what keeps me going. That's what drives me to be positive in every situation. That's what keeps me praising Him in every situation!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

Making a ripple...

Friday night, we were so blessed to get to attend the Rock and Worship Road show at the American Airlines Center. It was an amazing night of Christian music that I really hoped would never end! It was completely overwhelming to be in that arena with 18,000 other people, singing and worshiping together! The bands varied from those who play the praise and worship music I listen to every day and sing at church, to hard rock bands, to rappers. But, all of it was phenomenal! And even as good as all the bands were, I think my favorite part, and definitely the most moving part, was when all 18,000 voices from the crowd joined together to sing "Amazing Grace." No background music, no musicians with microphones, no instruments...just voices. Talk about powerful!

Being in that arena and listening to the performers each share their stories made me think about how blessed they all are to have such a huge audience for their ministry. They get to make their living by traveling all over the country singing and sharing the good news of God and Jesus with tens of thousands of people. It reminded me of the analogy of throwing a pebble into the water. The initial splash is only the beginning. Ripples start moving out from that spot. They continue moving outward, and can end up turning into huge waves under the right circumstances. The people who were in that arena all left on such a high! Thousands of ripples started that night and will continue on for a long time to come!

That got me thinking about my little corner of the world. Now, I will never get paid to stand on a stage and sing...trust me on that one! (My car would totally agree! That's really the only place I actually sing where anyone else would even be able to hear me!!) I may never be able to an impact like the members of those bands do. But, I can make ripples in my own way. Although I can't sing well, I have discovered that I can write! And, I am trying my best to use that gift to share my experiences with God's love in a way that will, hopefully, start some ripples of my own. I can only pray that God uses me to touch someone's life in a way that would have been missed otherwise. Everytime I write, I pray first about what I need to say and how I need to say it. But, I think there's way more to it than just posting a blog entry once a week...

The more I think about it, the more I realize that all of us have opportunities to be pebbles all day long. I think the most important place to do that is with your kids. Lately, I have made a huge effort to talk much more openly with my kids about my relationship with Christ than I ever have before. (And, if that is something you aren't used to doing, it can be really uncomfortable at first!) We also have the chance to start making ripples at work, with friends, on Facebook, and even at church. As a teacher, a huge part of my day is spent searching for every teachable moment. Well, as a Christian, I have started looking for every reachable moment! They are everywhere! If you really take the time to look for them, you'll be amazed at what you see! And, the best part is...the more I share and the more I reach out to others through God, the more blessed and happy I feel myself!

We may not all have the same gifts, but we all do have gifts! And, we can all use the gifts God gave us to make a difference...no matter how big or small!

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in it's various forms.  ~1 Peter 4:10

Awesome Birthday!

I want to start today with an small update as a follow up to the prayer I shared about a week ago. Thank you to every one of you who joined me in praying for that sweet little girl! As of now, my prayer has been answered! A few days after I shared that, we found out that she really wasn't leaving after all! She is still here and, from what we can tell, has been safe since she came back to us! God is so good!! And, I am continuing to pray that He makes himself known to her and her family so that she will continue to be loved, safe, and protected!!!

Over the last few months, a pretty incredible transformation has been occurring in me. I have gone to church my whole life. I have been a Christian my whole life. But, when Matt was in the hospital, something changed in me. It was the first time in my life that I have truly put 100% of my faith and trust in God to get me through something. Sitting in that chair by Matt's side day after day could have destroyed me. But, I made the decision to completely give my fear and worry to God. I think you all know how that situation turned out, but it didn't stop there! Once I made that choice, I got to a point where I felt like I needed as much of God as I could get. So, I started praying every day, several times a day, even if I wasn't in a crisis situation. I started reading the bible every day. I started spending more quiet time with God on a daily basis. I started openly sharing my faith and my experiences with God. And, what I've noticed is that, in the process, God really started to work in me and through me. I have become so much more open to His will and His influence that He is now a part of every minute of my life, even when I am not conciously thinking about it. I've noticed that making Him my first priority, no matter what, has completely transformed my outlook on life, my relationships, my job, and my family....and that is really the main point of what I wanted to share today.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I was completely overwhelmed by the birthday wishes I received, the good friends who helped me celebrate it, and the gifts I received from them and my family. But, I was moved the most by the gifts from my children. Chelsea used almost 2 full weeks of her allowance (leaving her completely broke for the coming week) to buy me several birthday presents. She sent me the most beautiful sunflowers (my favorite) that I have ever seen. And, she gave me two books, both of which have very dominant Christian messages in them. She also gave me a silly card with a very heartfelt handwritten message inside. She is so aware of how important God is in my life, and He is equally important in hers. Blake picked out a bracelet for me that has beautiful crosses on the beads and came with a touching scripture inside the box. I love it! But, the card he picked out blew me away! It is a card you would expect an adult to give to his mom, not a 7-year old little boy! Matt said Blake was reading the cards himself, and that HE picked this one out! I just want to share with you what it said:
"You are an amazing mom. You give yourself so freely, and there's a quiet kindness in the way you do it. You walk in the grace of God with a gentleness that makes those around you feel loved and valued. God has truly given you a special heart...one that nurtures, understands, teaches, and loves-not only in words, but by example too. Thanks for everything, Mom-for doing more than you're asked to... for giving more than you need to... and for being all that God has called you to be with such a sweet spirit. '...a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.' Proverbs 31:30"
WOW!!!! It just hit me right between the eyes that my willingness to give God 100% control of my life and to truly work in me and through me has not only blessed me, but is blessing my family as well!! I am awestruck that even my 7-year-old son recognizes and appreciates the work He is doing in me!

I am SO blessed and SO thankful to God for giving such an amazing birthday weekend! God is SO amazing!

The Cat is Out of the Bag!

Well, Matt finally made it official yesterday....he is no longer employed by the Dallas Police Department! He put in his resignation, and it was accepted. So...now what?? Well, we are moving forward into the next chapter of our lives! He has accepted a position with a technology company in North Dallas. He is VP of operations for a new company they will officially launch on February 1! I knew all along that his injury was somehow part of God's plan, but I had no idea how the pieces would fall into place during that horrible ordeal in December. I just continued to trust that He knew what He was doing, and He has absolutely shown us He does! We are so blessed to have been led to such an amazing opportunity! I can not praise Him enough for taking care of my family like He is! God is amazing! In the blink of an eye, Matt has gone from having his life threatened day in and day out, to working normal hours in normal clothes in a normal office! He is home every night and every weekend, and he actually comes home in a good mood!

Wait a minute....Did I say "normal office?" I need to correct that. He may be going to work in an office with a desk and a phone and a computer, but his office is far from normal. It is exceptional! He is now spending his days surrounded by people who are not only Christians, but are very openly Christian! They have prayer breakfasts and have been known to open meetings in prayer! They are constantly lifting each other up, rather than the ruthless, cut throat environment he was used to at the PD. They are all truly working together toward a common goal, and God is at the heart and soul of every decision they make. How often do you find that in corporate America??? Again, God is amazing!

I look back over the last 2 months, and I really marvel at the fact that we made it! It was not easy to stay positive and to keep my faith in God's plan and the work He was doing in our lives. But, I just kept telling myself (and Matt) that everything happens for a reason, and that we just had to keep trusting Him. With lots of prayer, and lots of support, we managed to stay true to that. In hindsight, it all makes perfect sense. I really think the only way Matt would have ever left police work was by going through something like this that forced his hand. God knew that, and He had to make it happen to get Matt on this path.

Matt was an amazing police officer! But he was also an amazing soldier when he was in the active duty army, AND he was an amazing firefighter in OKC, AND he was an amazing karate instructor when we had our dojo. He is the kind of person that, no matter what he's doing, he finds a way to be the best! So, there really is no tragedy in the fact that he is no longer a cop. Because, I know that he will, as he always has, be the best at what he is doing now! I am just extremely thankful that God is giving him the opportunity to shine in this new environment where he is safe and uplifted, rather than being in danger and constantly torn down!

Even when things don't make sense, they make perfect sense! Have I mentioned yet that God is AMAZING?!?!?!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

My Prayer...

This is the prayer I'm saying tonight...

Father God, please watch over her and keep her safe. Protect her from the people who are hurting her. Show her what a truly amazing God you are, and that miracles do happen. Show her Your incredible love, and that You are there with her, even though she doesn't know it. Watch over her, wherever it is she may be going. Surround all of them with Your compassion and protection.

Father God, please give wisdom and compassion to those who will be watching over her. Give them the eyes they need to see her for who she truly is, the ears they need to hear her cries for help, and the hearts they need to truly love her for the beautiful child of Yours she is. Give them the judgement to make the decisions that will keep her safe and happy.

Father God, please make Your presence known to her caregivers. Find a way to show them the error of their ways. Lead them down a path that will bring hope and healing to their situation. Open their eyes to the pain they are causing her and the others. Surround them with the peace and love that only You can bring to them.

Father God, my last request is that You give her a hug for me, since I will no longer be able to do it myself. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

If you wanted to join me in this prayer, I would NOT object! No names....God knows....

Feeling Thankful!

I just had to get on here and share how completely blessed I've been feeling today! Did anything special happen? No, not at all. But, I have been feeling really happy! I guess I've just been paying a lot of attention lately to all the good things that God has put into my life, and I am extremely thankful for ALL of them today!

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. ~1 Thessalonians 5:18

For starters, I actually had about 2 hours ALL ALONE in my house today! That by itself (as any wife or mother will verify) is a blessing!! After I changed into my jammies (at 6:00!!), I curled up on the couch and caught up on my bible reading. I have an app on my phone that gives me daily readings, so that in a year I will have read the entire bible. I'm ashamed to admit that, although I have been reading it every day, I haven't been fully keeping up, and had fallen several days behind. But, it was SO nice to just sit in the quiet, reading God's word for an entire hour! I used the rest of the time to start on the mountain of laundry that has piled up and to start dinner. I'm so thankful that every once in awhile God gives me these moments to myself to regroup and just relax!

Secondly, I am really enjoying my family! I have the most amazing husband I could ask for! He has such a great attitude right now as we are going through a pretty substantial transition in our lives. He is facing every day with a positive attitude and faith that is nothing short of inspiring! I love the fact that I am lucky enough to be walking alongside him now, and for the rest of my life! Chelsea, Lindsay, and Blake are also bringing me a ton of joy right now. They are each at very different places in life, and each one of them makes me smile every day for completely different, but equally wonderful, reasons. My brother and I have been making an effort to stay in touch way more than we ever have, and I love the relationship that we are developing! My mom is an always-present source of strength and support for me, and I am very thankful that she is now so close to us! And, my dad is now, and always will be, my rock. I talk to him every day, even though he is 3 hours away. I know he's got my back in every situation, and no matter what happens, I can count on him to be there. I'm so thankful that God has put each one of them in life!

Ok...so I know that last paragraph sounded a little like an acceptance speech, but that's really how I feel right now! I know that I wouldn't be the woman I am today if even one of the important people in my life was missing. I also know that my walk with God would be much different if He didn't give me those quiet times to really spend time getting to know Him better. I have done so much posting about all of the difficult situations we have faced recently that I really feel like I need to post about all the positive ways He is working in my life right now, too!

"All Because of Jesus" by Casting Crowns

Giver of every breath I breathe, author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing, to You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth, no one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe, to You be the glory

And I am alive because I’m alive in You

It’s all because of Jesus I’m alive, it’s all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That covers me and raised this dead man’s life, it’s all because of Jesus I’m alive
I’m alive, I’m alive

Giver of every breath I breathe, author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing. to You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth, no one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe, to You be the glory

And I am alive because I’m alive in You

It’s all because of Jesus I’m alive, it’s all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That covers me and raised this dead man’s life, it’s all because of Jesus

Every sunrise sings Your praise, the universe cries out Your praise
I’m singing freedom all my days, now that I’m alive

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive

What are you thankful for today? Have you told Him yet????

New News

Well...I know it's been over a week since my last post, but I will explain that in a minute...

First things first, though! We got some new news at the doctor on Friday, some good and some bad. But, I am a "glass-is-half-full" kind of girl, so I'll start with the good news! Matt's liver enzymes were almost back to normal! They came down so drastically in the last week, the doctor said he couldn't explain it! He said it was truly amazing! Well, maybe modern medicine can't explain it, but I can! Our God is AWESOME and He has been at work inside of Matt!! The next time you are praying, please thank Him again for the healing He is bringing to my sweet husband!

The flip side of the coin isn't nearly as bright, I'm sad to say. The results from the last few blood draws they did in the hospital finally came in. They have identified an EXTREMELY rare blood disorder in Matt. In fact, only one in 11 million people have it. It is a genetic mutation that causes a factor-5 deficiency in his blood. (Your blood has several different clotting factors that either help blood clots form when they need to, keep them from forming when they don't, or dissolve them when they are no longer needed. He is essentially missing one of those factors.) This means that he is more prone to developing blood clots than the average person. And, now that he has developed one clot, he is 110 times more likely to develop another. So, in a nut shell, he is on blood thinners for the rest of his life. He will have to have scans done every couple months for the next year or so to make sure he doesn't get any more. Then, we will have to see where we go from there. As you can imagine, a diagnosis like this is life-changing for someone who has spent his life getting shot at, kicking doors in, and fighting people into hand cuffs for a living.

But, as we always try to do, we have given this to God. We knew this could be a possibility, but none of the doctors really thought any of the remaining tests would come back positive. At any rate, we have been walking in faith all month and praying to God that He would show us a different path if Matt's health were to keep him from continuing down his current path. We are still faithful and prayerful that He will provide for us and give Matt a new direction. I can't really give details yet, but God is definitely already working on this! Like I said before, our God is AWESOME!! We know He is going to take care of us, and as soon as I can share the details, I will!!

Now, on a different note, the reason why I haven't posted anything in over a week...

Since I started this blog, I have had no problem knowing what to write. I was simply updating everyone on Matt's condition and telling you how God was helping us cope. But, once the necessity for health updates died down, I was a little unsure about which direction to go. I absolutely want to keep writing! Many of you have commented to me (either on here or otherwise) about how you gain something from reading what I write. That by itself is extremely humbling and amazing at the same time! But, if sharing my life experiences and how God works in my life can help someone else even a little, I don't want to stop writing just because Matt is getting better. I have been thinking and praying about it A LOT this week!! I mean, I am not a minister, I have not been to seminary, I don't have any kind of religious degree. I'm just an ordinary woman who loves God and likes to share that with people. So, here is what I've arrived at...

Every day God does something amazing in my life. Even when His works aren't attached to my husband's health, He is still working! So, I'm going to continue to share how He is working in my life. The month of December was one of the largest storms we have ever had to endure, for more than one reason! But, life is full of storms! No matter the size of the storm, I will continue to praise Him. And, if I get lucky enough to have a period without storms, I will still praise Him! When something happens to me, and I can really see God's hand, or I really have to rely on Him to get me through it, I will share that with you. Hopefully someone will be able to gain something from what I write, and hopefully you will join me in praising the God that I know and love!

"In the same way, let your light shine before people, so that they can see your good deeds and give honor to your Father in heaven." ~Matthew 5:16

Better News!

So, we definitely got some better news on Friday when Matt went to the doctor! Apparently, he was given the wrong information on Tuesday. His liver enzymes did NOT go up last week! In fact, they went down...a LOT! When the danger zone is 1000+, there is a huge difference between 960 (what they told him) and 382 (what it really was)! The other enzyme is down in the 60's, which is only about 30 away from being normal! The liver doctor was pretty much amazed at how drastically the enzyme levels have come down. He had really thought it would take several months for them to come down to these levels. He said he really couldn't explain it, but that it was awesome! Well, I can explain it! It's not the test results that are awesome...it is our God that is awesome! He is answering our prayers for healing in one of the most wonderful ways I could have hoped for! If you have been been praying for Matt's health, PLEASE pause right now and say a prayer of thanks to God for starting to heal him!

So, now it seems as if we are mainly battling the clot. There are a few other smaller things going on, but the clot is the big one. We won't know anything more about whether the blood thinners are working or not until about 2 months from now when they do another scan to see if it is gone. We are walking in faith that this clot, just like his liver, will heal in God's time. But, we are also still praying for the clot to heal! Please keep Matt on your prayer list just a little while longer!

The last several weeks have been such a roller coaster ride! We have been up, and we have been down...multiple times. But, one of the highest points through all of this was Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. (If you didn't read about it earlier, you can go back and read the story.) I felt so much love and happiness that weekend. In fact, just thinking about it can bring instant tears to my eyes! And now, I just don't want to let go of that feeling! I think because our Christmas traditions were such a huge part of everything I was feeling during that time, I just can't make myself put the Christmas decorations away! Is that completely silly? I mean, there have been years before when our Christmas stuff was up WAY past Christmas, but that was completely different. Then, it was because I didn't have the time (or didn't make the time) to put everything away. One year, I think our tree was still up at Easter!! (Boy, that was embarrassing to admit!!) But, now it's like...I just want to stay in that moment! I was so completely thankful for the very basic joys in my life. Life just kind of paused for a few days while we all enjoyed each other, feeling completely grateful that God made it possible for Matt to be home, all at the same time that we were celebrating the birth of Jesus.

I didn't even put many decorations out this year. It was pretty much the tree, the stockings, and a few mantle decorations. But, every time I walk through the living room, I see them. I am automatically taken to the memories we made this year...the ones I will NEVER forget! We were on the verge of such a tragedy, but it turned into one of the most perfect holidays we've had. Now that we are getting back into the full daily grind of our lives, I just want to make sure that we remember what it really is all about. I know I can't leave the tree and stocking up forever...well, I guess I could, but then I would turn into that weird lady down the street who keeps her tree up all year and has Christmas lights on in July! But for now, I'm keeping them out. Maybe next weekend I'll put them away...

Overwhelmed

My first day back at work was, in a nutshell, overhwelming. I'm not really sure why though. It was just a teacher workday, we didn't even have kids. But, 30 minutes into the day, I was on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. I felt that way off and on all day long. I hadn't stepped foot in my classroom since December 1, and after the events of the last month, I just don't think I was emotionally prepared to go back. I spent the entire morning just kind of looking around my room trying to decide where to start. There are SO many things that I need to do in there to get it back to normal. I did a few small things, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around tackling anything big. Just thinking about it exhausted me! Then I had to spend my afternoon getting things rearranged to accommodate my new wall mounted projector. So, after an entire day in my room, it does look amazing, but I am no closer to being ready for tomorrow than I was at 7:00 this morning. But, I have to have something figured out by the time those 18 bright, shining faces hit my door at 8:00 tomorrow...

I have been doing well to keep my head above water here at home for the last few weeks while dealing with everything that is going on. But...now...adding work back into the equation... This is definitely where I enlist God's help yet again. It really hit me today how completely worn out I truly am, both physically and emotionally. And, I came to the (somewhat obvious) realization that I just can't do this alone. I know He will not present a challenge to me without also giving me the means to overcome that challenge, but I feel so completely spent. How many times can you dig down deep for that last bit of energy before there is finally nothing left? I feel like I'm there already, so my only hope is to ask God to hold me up and get me through this. Philippians 4:13 has been resonating in my head all day!! So has this song... (because you all know how much I LOVE songs!!)

"Strong Enough" by Matthew West

You must, you must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through.
Well, forgive me, forgive if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do on my own.
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be,
I give up, I'm not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be,
Strong enough for the both of us.
Well, maybe, maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up,
Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom, well that's when I start looking up and reaching out.
Cause I'm broken down to nothing, but I'm still holding on to one thing.
You are God and You are strong when I am weak.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,
And I don't have to be strong enough.

So, this is a little different than my normal prayer request. Today I am asking for prayers for myself. I really need God's help to stay strong and keep plugging along with my job back in the picture. Of course, I hope you are still praying for Matt, too. He isn't feeling well tonight which has both of us concerned. (Every little thing that goes on with him now makes us paranoid that something bad is happening.) But, I need your prayers, too. I need to be able to stay strong enough to be an effective support for him and for our kids. Not going to be easy.....

Some Not-So-Great News

When Matt was in the hospital, the main things that alerted the doctors to the fact that his liver needed a closer look (which ultimately led to the discovery of the blood clot) were the steadily climbing liver enzymes. However, the last few days of his hospital stay, they started going down. This was a good thing! The doctors said that once they start going down, they almost never start going back up again. They anticipated that the enzymes would steadily decrease over the next few months until they returned to normal. Well...little did they know that my husband seems to be the king of things that almost never happen!! Everything about this illness has been things that almost never happen...But, they happen to him!

Staying true to that distinction, his liver enzymes are on the rise again. Matt has been getting blood drawn once a week since he left the hospital. They are checking all the usual stuff, but mainly focusing on the things related to his liver. The good news is that the tests that show his liver function are still completely normal. The bad news is that his liver enzymes are not only rising, but they are higher than they ever were in the hospital. So, what does this all mean? It just basically means that something is still irritating and/or damaging his liver, but not to an extent that his liver can't function. Please continue to keep him in your prayers! It is a little scary that this is going on, and if the tests start showing that his liver function is being effected, he will have to be hospitalized again. We knew we weren't completely out of the woods, but we definitely thought we were a few steps closer than what it seems like we are. God has been helping Matt get through this all along, and we definitely need His strength and guidance right now!

They are now having Matt get his blood drawn every 3-5 days rather than once a week. He will see the liver doctor again on Friday, so hopefully we will find out a little bit more then. The hard part for me is that since I go back to work tomorrow, and since I'm already getting docked for about 10 days of work, it is just not realistic for me to continue going to his appointments with him. He has weekly appointments with the liver doctor and biweekly appointments with the primary care doctor. I just feel like these appointments are so important...I really want to be there with him. (Too bad we aren't just independently wealthy, so that I could take off whenever I need to!) So, I need some prayers as well to help me deal with not being able to be there for Matt like I feel I should. To be honest, I'm still really hoping that somehow we can figure out a way I can be there with him!!

So, once again I am here with a pretty substantial prayer request. I really thought I was done with these for awhile. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but I'm not going to lie...it's hard. I just want him to be better!! Or at least moving in the right direction. Personally, I am praying for God's help to stay positive and to not get discouraged. I know we are going to get through this. I really believe there is nothing Matt and I can't get through together! But, this was just a blow I was completely unprepared for! God, please keep holding me up!!!