The Self-Doubt Monster

Well....the school year is almost over, and I don't think I've ever been so glad to see a year come to an end! This has been an incredibly difficult year for me, and I am ready for it to draw to a close. Every single aspect of my life has been extremely challenging in one way or another. There were days I felt like I couldn't even drag myself out of bed to face what was in front of me. But, I always did. I guess the good news is that every challenge has drawn me closer to God, and I have been able to find immense strength from leaning on Him and letting Him help me through everything. The bad news is that the year as a whole has left me with a lot of self-doubt that I am trying to overcome.

A lot of people are afraid to admit something like that. But, for me, sharing it and working through it like this really helps. I know that my naysayers will take great joy in reading this, but I'm not writing it for them anyway. So, here goes...

The Self-Doubt Monster is on my back in a very real way. As a teacher, you are responsible for the progress of your kiddos, no matter what the circumstances. Most of my kids made great progress this year. But, a few of them did not. I know that I was out a lot in the fall due to family issues, for 3 weeks in December with Matt, and for a week in March with Chelsea. I also know that I had not one, but two student teachers this year, so I didn't teach my class much at all second semester. I also know that circumstances in other areas of my life left me pretty overwhelmed and exhausted 99% of the time, which left almost no energy to put towards school.  But, all that aside, I am still responsible for where they are as the year comes to an end. I just keep thinking that I should have found more energy, more time, more motivation... I absolutely did not give 100% to my job this year...I didn't have it to give.

I know that each day, I gave what I had. But, that wasn't enough. I am not happy with how this year went at all. And, the sad part is that, even though I can sit here and rationalize the whole situation and list the 5 million reasons why my year wasn't what I wanted it to be, I still find myself questioning my abilities. Am I a good teacher? Do I really know what I am doing? Should I try to find a different profession? It may sound silly, but this is what has been resonating in my head the last few weeks.

I think somewhere, way way WAY down deep, I still know that I am good teacher. I have had difficult years before (especially the last 3), but never one like this, and I've always gotten good results. The people who are close to me, who have actually been in my classroom, who have actually seen what goes on, all assure me that I am very good at what I do. And, I really do value their opinions. I just have to get my confidence back so that I can share that same opinion.

So, here's what I'm doing.... praying, praying, praying!! After all, the only opinion that really matters is God's! Apparently He thinks I am good at what I do because He has led me to teaching AND kept me here for 14 years! I've tried twice to leave and do something different, but each time it ended up breaking my heart to be out of the classroom, so I went back. He doesn't make mistakes, and He wants me to be a teacher! I just keep reading scripture that is uplifting and reassuring and listening to music that does the same. Eventually, I will get it. Eventually, I will get out of this funk I'm in. Eventually, life will settle down, and I will be back to 100%. Eventually I will be back to the teacher I know I am. Until then.... I will keep trying not to let the doubt defeat me!

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect in until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 1:6

From "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe:
Jesus come and break my fear, awake my heart and take my tears, find Your glory even here, where the hurt and the Healer collide.