The Grass is Always Greener...

OK...I know it's been awhile since I've written anything on here. Almost seven months, in fact. I won't make any excuses. Lots of other things started occupying my time, and I just haven't made the time to write. There have been a TON of times that I thought, that would make a perfect blog post, but I just never got around to getting on the computer and doing it. I won't make any promises I can't keep, and I'm not one who's big on New Year's resolutions, but I will say I'm going to try and get on here much more than have I over the past year!

I think it's normal that at this time of year everyone starts reflecting on the previous year. We look back at what we did...and what we didn't do. We look at our success and our failures, our gains and our losses, the challenges we faced and the obstacles we overcame. I think it's also normal that everyone is looking forward to the New Year with all of the possibilities that it holds. It's like a fresh start every 365 days. I've always looked at it that way, too. But this year, I'm looking at it much differently...

I'm sure you've heard the old saying, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But, isn't it true? For some reason, we are never content with what we have. We always look for something different to make us happy. Around January 1, it's the prospect of a New Year that we look to. The grass during 2012 wasn't quite green enough, but maybe 2013 will have grass that's just a little bit greener.

It would be VERY easy for me to say exactly that, especially after the year we've had! But, guess what? I said that last year after the horrible 2011 we had. We were so anxious to say goodbye to 2011. We were so excited to put all of that behind us and move into 2012. But, 2012 has had its own challenges for us. It has been equally trying and stressful. And it would be so easy to say, once again, "I am SO glad this year is over!" But, not this time!

Here's where my attitude has changed. In 2011, we dealt with a LOT!!! But, when we said that we were so glad 2011 was over and behind us, we were neglecting to recognize all the amazing things that happened during that year. For example, even though Matt was in the hospital for 21 days, and it was one of the most exhausting, trying experiences I've ever had, God went to work during that time. Out of that situation came a new church home for us filled with some of the most caring, loving people we've ever met! And many of them are now very dear friends to us. Had he not been in the hospital, those things might have never happened. And the same holds true for 2012. We have been through a lot this year as well. I could make a list, but I'll spare you the details! But, a lot of really wonderful things have happened too! So, this year instead of saying, "Thank goodness 2012 is over! I'm ready to start over in 2013!" I'm going to say lots of prayers thanking God for the hundreds of ways He's blessed us this year. I'm going to thank Him for using the adversity I faced to make me a better person. I'm going to thank Him for holding me up when I couldn't hold myself up. I'm going to thank Him for giving me a joy that can't be taken away by anything that could ever possibly happen to me. And, I'm going to ask Him to continue to use me and work through me in 2013. Happy New Year!

However many years anyone may live, let them enjoy them all. But let them remember the days of darkness, for there will be many. ~Ecclestiastes 11:8

Just Tell Me What I'm Doing!

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind for me.

It started with my principal telling me there was a "very slight" chance he may be moving me to pre-k next year. He said he really didn't think it was going to happen, but he wanted to give me a heads-up just in case it did. I really wasn't very happy about the idea of moving to pre-k. First, I was supposed to loop with my K class, and I really didn't want to have to break it to them that I wasn't going to be their teacher next year. And second, I've gotten pretty attached to my teaching partner, we work VERY well together, and I was really sad about not working with her anymore. But, I just started praying really hard for God to put me where He wanted me to be.

Well, not too long after that, my principal told me that I was, in fact, moving to pre-k. I was NOT happy! I spent a lot of time trying to wrap my brain around what was happening and praying, praying, praying for God to help me with that. And...of course...He did! I was able to find some peace with the "divorce" as my teaching partner and I have nicknamed it. I had the very difficult talk with my K kids about next year. I went to some pre-k trainings. I was actually able to start getting excited about this new chapter in my career.

Then...two weeks ago, my principal told me he may NOT be moving me to pre-k after all. My first though was, "Are you kidding me?????" I packed and moved my entire room. I've spent every day since school got out reading about and planning for pre-k. I even had to organize and pack the pre-k room before summer school started. I was finally at peace with moving to pre-k, and now it may not be happening anyway. Can we not just make a decision and stick with it?  Once again...prayers. This time I was praying for God to keep me at peace AND for Him to show me where He wants me to be!! Ugh!

And then on Friday, the final gust from the whirlwind (for now) came. I got a call to interview for a literacy specialist position that I applied for about 2 months ago. I have wanted a position like this for as long as I can remember! My interview is today in about 4 hours! From the minute I got the call, I have so badly wanted to pray for God to help me get this job. But, I haven't. I have continued to pray for Him to show me where He wants me to be.

So, I have NO idea what I will be doing when the school year starts in August! But I am certain that whatever I am doing, I will be there because I listened to what God told me to do! I'm not going to lie though, this is one time when I REALLY hope His plan for me is the same as my plan! But if it's not, that's OK. Like Matt said yesterday, if I'm praying for the right thing to happen, I should be happy no matter what happens. Whether I get the job or not, whether I teach pre-k or K/1, it's what God wants me to do right now, and following His plan is always something to be happy about!

Stay on the lookout for an update once all the dust has settled!

Give me a revelation, show me what to do.
Cause I've been trying to find my way, I haven't got a clue.
Tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move? 
Give me a revelation, I've nothing without You.
~Third Day

Love, Do Good, Bless, and Pray

We all have people that don't like us. We all probably even have people who would say that they "hate" us. We all have people who talk badly about us behind our backs, try to turn others against us, or try to damage our reputation. You may even have people in your life who go so far as to try to hurt you as much as they can whenever possible. It really is amazing how vindictive and spiteful people can be. But...I can't really judge them because I have done all of those things before more times than I care to admit. If someone wronged me, hurt me, talked about me behind my back, or just treated me badly in general, I was the first one to put the "eye for an eye" rule into place. If you hurt me, I'll hurt you back. If you damage my reputation, I'll damage yours.

But not anymore...

Over the last few years, I have become painfully aware that I was NOT responding to my "enemies" in an appropriate way. Sure, it made me feel better temporarily. But, long term...what did I accomplish? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Except, at some point, it just made me feel worse.

In the last few months, Matt and I have reached a point in our lives where we turn to the bible when we aren't sure how to handle a situation. So, the last couple days, we have spent probably 2-3 hours reading scripture and discussing how to respond to someone who hurts you. (And I mean REALLY hurts you!) From all of our reading, I have landed on four things listed in the bible that God is VERY clear that He wants us to do, and one that is inferred from the countless places in the bible where He talks about how much He loves us and how He wants to bless our lives. The scripture that I'm referring to is this:

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ~Luke 6:27-28

 The first thing God wants us to do is to love our enemies. I know, I know, this seems impossible to do. I am trying, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. I just keep praying that God will show me how He wants me to love the people who are my "enemies." The funny thing is, the more I pray for Him to show me how to love them, the less bitter and angry I feel toward them. I may not be ready to love them just yet, but God is getting me there! And, if I keep praying about it every day, eventually I will be able to love them like He wants me to!

The second thing God asks of us is do good to those who hate us. Again...seems impossible! All they do is tear me down EVERY time they get the opportunity, and I'm supposed to do good to them??? Well...YES!!! That's exactly what God is calling us to do! He wants action from us. He doesn't just want us to change our thoughts about those people, but He wants us to change our actions as well. Now, I don't know about you, but I read this and immediately thought, "But no matter what I do, they will throw it back in my face or turn it around to make it look bad on me somehow." Or..."No matter what I do, this relationship will NOT get any better! In fact, anything I do towards this person will probably make it worse!" All of that may be true. But, here's the reality of things: We do not control how someone else reacts to us. We control how we treat them. He will judge us for our own actions, not their reactions. So, He wants us to do good to them, whether that kindness is well-received or not. Again, I am still struggling with this one, but I am working on it and praying about it!

The third thing God wants us to do is bless those who curse us. This one has been the easiest one for me to internalize. Every time those particular people pop into my  head in a negative way, I immediately say a prayer for God to bless them. "God, please bless ______." I say it over and over again, until my negative thoughts are gone. So, I'm really accomplishing two things. First, I am lifting that person up in prayer, asking God to bless them. Second, I am taking away my own opportunity to sit and stew over what they have done to me. I am removing the bitterness and anger before they can really take hold of me. I am focusing on God instead of focusing on the pain and hurt. And, I'm not gonna lie...it is really making a difference for me!

The fourth thing God is asking us to do in this scripture is to pray for those who mistreat us. Again, this has been a little easier for me to do. If I am praying for them instead of dwelling on how angry I am or how badly I was hurt, I am not nearly as likely to get bitter and angry. Plus, praying for the people who are trying to tear me down keeps my focus on God and what He wants me to do, rather than simply following the path my emotions would lead me down.

Now, all that being said, I think there is a 5th thing that is very important for us to understand. We can love our enemies, do good to those who hate us, bless those who curse us, and pray for those who mistreat us without allowing those same people to continue to hurt us. God does not want us to be hurt. He does not want us to be mistreated. He does not want us to be controlled by our enemies. This is why the fifth thing we need to do is establish very clear boundaries in our relationships with these people to keep them from continuously hurting us over and over and over. We have to look at the situation very closely and figure out exactly where those boundaries need to be drawn so that we protect ourselves from the physical, emotional, or spiritual blows that they may be throwing at us. God may want us to forgive and love those who hurt us, but that doesn't mean we have to say, "I forgive you, now do it again and I'll forgive you again."

I am trying really hard to put these things into practice. But...it is not easy! The problem is, now that I am aware that this is what God wants me to do, I can NOT ignore it. I have to do my best to follow each of these things every single day. Some are easier than others, but I am making a true effort to do ALL of them. And, I really hope you can do the same thing! But, don't do it because I told you to. Go into the bible yourself. Read the scripture for yourself. Think about it, chew on it, research it, talk to people about it, and see what conclusion you come to. Then, act on it!

If you come to the same conclusion I did...let me know! I'd love to hear about it! And...if you come to a different conclusion than I did, let me know that, too!! This is very close to my heart right now, I would love to hear about it if you have a different spin on all of this!

The Self-Doubt Monster

Well....the school year is almost over, and I don't think I've ever been so glad to see a year come to an end! This has been an incredibly difficult year for me, and I am ready for it to draw to a close. Every single aspect of my life has been extremely challenging in one way or another. There were days I felt like I couldn't even drag myself out of bed to face what was in front of me. But, I always did. I guess the good news is that every challenge has drawn me closer to God, and I have been able to find immense strength from leaning on Him and letting Him help me through everything. The bad news is that the year as a whole has left me with a lot of self-doubt that I am trying to overcome.

A lot of people are afraid to admit something like that. But, for me, sharing it and working through it like this really helps. I know that my naysayers will take great joy in reading this, but I'm not writing it for them anyway. So, here goes...

The Self-Doubt Monster is on my back in a very real way. As a teacher, you are responsible for the progress of your kiddos, no matter what the circumstances. Most of my kids made great progress this year. But, a few of them did not. I know that I was out a lot in the fall due to family issues, for 3 weeks in December with Matt, and for a week in March with Chelsea. I also know that I had not one, but two student teachers this year, so I didn't teach my class much at all second semester. I also know that circumstances in other areas of my life left me pretty overwhelmed and exhausted 99% of the time, which left almost no energy to put towards school.  But, all that aside, I am still responsible for where they are as the year comes to an end. I just keep thinking that I should have found more energy, more time, more motivation... I absolutely did not give 100% to my job this year...I didn't have it to give.

I know that each day, I gave what I had. But, that wasn't enough. I am not happy with how this year went at all. And, the sad part is that, even though I can sit here and rationalize the whole situation and list the 5 million reasons why my year wasn't what I wanted it to be, I still find myself questioning my abilities. Am I a good teacher? Do I really know what I am doing? Should I try to find a different profession? It may sound silly, but this is what has been resonating in my head the last few weeks.

I think somewhere, way way WAY down deep, I still know that I am good teacher. I have had difficult years before (especially the last 3), but never one like this, and I've always gotten good results. The people who are close to me, who have actually been in my classroom, who have actually seen what goes on, all assure me that I am very good at what I do. And, I really do value their opinions. I just have to get my confidence back so that I can share that same opinion.

So, here's what I'm doing.... praying, praying, praying!! After all, the only opinion that really matters is God's! Apparently He thinks I am good at what I do because He has led me to teaching AND kept me here for 14 years! I've tried twice to leave and do something different, but each time it ended up breaking my heart to be out of the classroom, so I went back. He doesn't make mistakes, and He wants me to be a teacher! I just keep reading scripture that is uplifting and reassuring and listening to music that does the same. Eventually, I will get it. Eventually, I will get out of this funk I'm in. Eventually, life will settle down, and I will be back to 100%. Eventually I will be back to the teacher I know I am. Until then.... I will keep trying not to let the doubt defeat me!

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect in until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 1:6

From "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe:
Jesus come and break my fear, awake my heart and take my tears, find Your glory even here, where the hurt and the Healer collide.

What Does it Mean to Trust God?

Trusting in God's plan.... What exactly does that mean? Does it mean that we have no say in what happens in our lives? No. Does it mean that we will always be happy with what happens? Absolutely not. Does it mean that we are powerless to control the outcome of any situation? No. Trusting in God's plan can mean so many different things. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes it's the most difficult thing we have been called on to do. Personally, I have experienced it in many different situations at different times in my life. I may not be 100% correct about what it means to trust in His plan, but I'd like to share what I've arrived at after being faced with several situations back-to-back that left me with no choice but to trust Him.

We have been bombarded the last 6 months with difficult situations: Matt's health, Matt's employment, Ashley, Matt's family, Chelsea's health, my job, and now our pastor at church getting reassigned despite great efforts to keep him by many of our members. (If you've followed this blog at all, you know about all of these except our pastor. However, the rumor mill is responsible for fueling a lot of that fire, so I really don't want to make that the focus of this particular blog post.) In every one of these situations, I got to a point where all I could do was look to God and say, "I trust You!" By doing that, I was never giving up hope or relinquishing my responsibility to do my part. I have had to learn what it means to TRULY trust God in all situations, and it was (and continues to be) far from easy.

All of us have an agenda for our lives. Maybe it's what we are doing today. Maybe it's what we're doing for the next 20 years. But we all have an agenda. I know Matt and I thought we had the rest of our lives mapped out until about 6 months ago. But, God also has an agenda for us. Sometimes, our agenda and His match up. That's when it's easy. That's when we're happy. But, sometimes we want something different for ourselves that what He wants for us. This is when it becomes difficult. We absolutely have the power to keep forcing our own will in our lives to make things happen the way we want them to. We can ignore the subtle messages He sends us from day to day that let us know He really wants us going a different direction. Most of the time, we can actually get what we want by doing this. But, when we exert our own will over God's will, we are, in essence, saying to Him, "Lord, I don't trust you at all, so I'm doing it my way."

What I have learned though, is that my way is not always the best way. For me, trusting His plan means that I know in my heart that He wants what is best for me, whether I agree with it or not. If He is pulling me in a direction I'm not really comfortable with, or even completely opposed to, I have to trust that putting my efforts into making His plan work is exactly what I need to do. I have to find a sense of peace about what is happening around me, and I have to have faith in the fact He has blessings waiting for me on the other side.

Don't get me wrong, there have been many times that I was NOT happy with how His plan unfolded (especially today). I DO get upset and angry about many things that happen in my life. Trusting God does not mean that you are not human. Trusting God does not mean that you are always happy. But, it does mean that in EVERY situation, you move forward thoughtfully and prayerfully and do what He is calling you to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight.  ~Proverbs 3:5-6

I do want to close by saying that I personally want to wish our pastor nothing but the best in his future endeavors. I pray that God blesses him and his family in ways not one could ever expect or comprehend. He has touched our lives in so many ways, and he will be deeply missed!

The Gossip Train

So, I've really been thinking a lot about something lately. Why do people in general find so much pleasure in talking about other people? I know you have noticed that. Practically everyone does it. Sometimes it it harmless...simply discussing things we've seen or done with others. But, more often than not, it is full blown gossip. When we hear something, we run and tell someone else, especially if the we've heard something "newsworthy." The problem with this is that SO many people get hurt because of things that are said, especially when those things aren't true.

Recently, I've been involved (in one way or another) in three different situations where gossip was running rampant. Two of these situations aren't really things I want to go into detail about, but I can tell you that the rumors that were circulating were extremely hurtful, damaging, and potentially life-altering for the people whose lives were being put on display. The third situation is the rumor mill at school. The old saying, "telegram, telephone, tell-a-teacher" is SO true!! And, this time of year is always the worst! Everyone is specualting about who is leaving, who is staying, and who is changing grades. It's no secret anymore that I've applied for a transfer to another school. It has also become common knowledge that I had an interview last week at a school closer to home. And, although it hasn't gotten back to me yet, it's probably now also well known that I did not get offered that position. All three of these things are factual, so (at least to my knowledge) there aren't any false rumors about me going around. But, I was really amazed at how quickly the news spread. Yes, I told a handful of people what my plans were. So, I am fine with them knowing. That's why I told them. But when people who I almost never see and rarely talk to are asking my student teacher, "Did Stephanie hear if she got that job yet?" I was really bothered.

First of all, it's my business to tell, not someone else's. It's not that I don't want people to know. It's just that I would like to have some level of control over who knows the in's and out's of what's going on in my life. Secondly, gossip that starts out as the truth never stays that way. It always mutates and almost takes on a life of its own. At some point, the rumor mill will be spreading information that is not true at all, if that hasn't happened already. It just doesn't feel good to know that people are talking about you behind your back.

Now...I will be the first to admit that I have been guilty of this myself. But, I will also tell you that I have really been making a concious effort to avoid it. If someone tells me something in confidence, I tell no one. If I hear information second hand, I don't pass it along. If I hear something straight from the source, and the source is OK with me sharing it, I will if I am asked. But, I really try not to go running around telling everyone I see everything I hear. It just isn't right.

I guess I just wish everyone would be a little more aware of who they might be hurting with what they are saying. We teach our students to differentiate between fact and opinion, fantasy and reality. We teach our children that "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." So, my question is....

If we can teach our students and children these lessons, why do we have such a hard time with them ourselves???

The bottom line is, I don't get bogged down in what people are saying about me. I know who I am and what I stand for. I know what is going on in my life and I make sure the people close to me know as well. I know that my God sees me for who I am, and He NEVER joins a gossip train or rumor mill! His opinion is #1, my family's is #2, and my friends' is #3. Anyone else's opinion, quite franlky, just doesn't matter.

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. ~Proverbs 16:28

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ~Ephesians 4:29

Leaving the Past in the Past??

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to truly leave your past in your past? I know I have! Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things in my past that I enjoyed at the time, were extremely positive experiences, and I still enjoy remembering. However, we all have things that we have done, things that have been done to us, or situations we simply were a witness to that are not exactly what we would refer to as positive. And the funny thing is...it seems like those negative experiences just won't leave us alone.
I don't want to go into details, but there is a particular part of my immediate past that I am having an extremely difficult time moving past. Every time I think it is behind me, it pops up again. I have done everything within my control to keep it in the past and to not let it affect me anymore. However, as you all know, we are not in control of a large portion of what happens in our daily lives. What we are in control of is how we react to what happens in our daily lives. But...even this...I am struggling with.

I pray almost daily for God to give me peace with this situation. I pray for the people involved in this situation. I pray that they will come to know the same God that I know, in the way that I know Him. I pray that He will intervene in this situation to provide guidance to everyone involved, myself included. I pray that He will show the others involved the true intentions of my heart in every decision I have made regarding this situation. And, I pray for Him to give me the strength to forgive the people in this situation who have hurt me, spoken badly about me, turned others against me, and attempted to draw me away from Him.

But, even within those prayers (that I pray often), I battle a HUGE amount of anger and resentment for the very people I am praying for. When people are constantly trying to bring you down, it is terribly difficult to control your anger towards them, let alone to NOT be angry with them. I can't tell you how many times I have said, "God, please take this off my heart!" I am doing my best to turn this over to God, to trust in His plan, and to find solice in the fact that His opinion is the only opinion of me that matters. But, when you are faced with reminders of these painful situations that keep resurfacing, especially when those situations involve people who despise you with every fiber of their being, it is REALLY tough to forgive the people involved, find a sense of peace with the situation, and move past it. However, I know that is exactly what He wants me to do.

I was reminded of this when I logged on to Facebook this evening, and I read a post from Joyce Meyer. It said, "The past is like a magnet; it's always trying to draw us back, but Jesus wants to draw us forward." I read that and immediately thought that I have never read a statement more relevant to my current struggles!  Dwelling on the past does not help you to move forward. Focusing on anger that you are harboring from prior situations only limits your ability to embrace new situations. You really cannot truly move forward if you are constantly looking behind you. The past is always there. It happened. You can't change it. But, you can absolutely change the direction of your thoughts, feelings, and choices from this moment forward!!

I will continue to pray for God to help me forgive these particular people who have hurt me in so many ways. I will also continue to pray for God to forgive me for the things I have done to them. I will also continue to pray for God to help me forgive them for the pain and hurt they have caused me. I may not be there yet, but I do know that I will never truly be at peace with this situation until I am able to forgive them. I also understand that as long as I am hanging on to the anger that I have for them, and as long as I am not able to truly forgive them, the situation will continue to haunt me. The past will continue to draw me back, and Jesus will not be able to draw me forward.

I think true forgiveness is one of the most difficult tasks we are given, but also one of the most crucial. I am not perfect. It is not easy. All I can do is pray for God's assistance and attempt to make steps towards it every single day. It is a gradual process and, in time, and with His help, I will get there!! In the meantime...I will do the best I can!!

...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:13-14