Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to truly leave your past in your past? I know I have! Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things in my past that I enjoyed at the time, were extremely positive experiences, and I still enjoy remembering. However, we all have things that we have done, things that have been done to us, or situations we simply were a witness to that are not exactly what we would refer to as positive. And the funny thing is...it seems like those negative experiences just won't leave us alone.
I don't want to go into details, but there is a particular part of my immediate past that I am having an extremely difficult time moving past. Every time I think it is behind me, it pops up again. I have done everything within my control to keep it in the past and to not let it affect me anymore. However, as you all know, we are not in control of a large portion of what happens in our daily lives. What we are in control of is how we react to what happens in our daily lives. But...even this...I am struggling with.
I pray almost daily for God to give me peace with this situation. I pray for the people involved in this situation. I pray that they will come to know the same God that I know, in the way that I know Him. I pray that He will intervene in this situation to provide guidance to everyone involved, myself included. I pray that He will show the others involved the true intentions of my heart in every decision I have made regarding this situation. And, I pray for Him to give me the strength to forgive the people in this situation who have hurt me, spoken badly about me, turned others against me, and attempted to draw me away from Him.
But, even within those prayers (that I pray often), I battle a HUGE amount of anger and resentment for the very people I am praying for. When people are constantly trying to bring you down, it is terribly difficult to control your anger towards them, let alone to NOT be angry with them. I can't tell you how many times I have said, "God, please take this off my heart!" I am doing my best to turn this over to God, to trust in His plan, and to find solice in the fact that His opinion is the only opinion of me that matters. But, when you are faced with reminders of these painful situations that keep resurfacing, especially when those situations involve people who despise you with every fiber of their being, it is REALLY tough to forgive the people involved, find a sense of peace with the situation, and move past it. However, I know that is exactly what He wants me to do.
I was reminded of this when I logged on to Facebook this evening, and I read a post from Joyce Meyer. It said, "The past is like a magnet; it's always trying to draw us back, but Jesus wants to draw us forward." I read that and immediately thought that I have never read a statement more relevant to my current struggles! Dwelling on the past does not help you to move forward. Focusing on anger that you are harboring from prior situations only limits your ability to embrace new situations. You really cannot truly move forward if you are constantly looking behind you. The past is always there. It happened. You can't change it. But, you can absolutely change the direction of your thoughts, feelings, and choices from this moment forward!!
I will continue to pray for God to help me forgive these particular people who have hurt me in so many ways. I will also continue to pray for God to forgive me for the things I have done to them. I will also continue to pray for God to help me forgive them for the pain and hurt they have caused me. I may not be there yet, but I do know that I will never truly be at peace with this situation until I am able to forgive them. I also understand that as long as I am hanging on to the anger that I have for them, and as long as I am not able to truly forgive them, the situation will continue to haunt me. The past will continue to draw me back, and Jesus will not be able to draw me forward.
I think true forgiveness is one of the most difficult tasks we are given, but also one of the most crucial. I am not perfect. It is not easy. All I can do is pray for God's assistance and attempt to make steps towards it every single day. It is a gradual process and, in time, and with His help, I will get there!! In the meantime...I will do the best I can!!
...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:13-14
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Chelsea Update: Longest 5 Hours of My Life!
What started out as a really good day yesterday, led to the most difficult 5 hours I've ever had to endure. But, even within that, God's presence was overwhelming! Here's the story...
We are still working on resolving the GI issue they discovered. That was improving, and she was starting to improve. She was awake for several hours, watched some TV, and had some badly needed and long overdue laughs when her school volloeyball coach came for a visit. We had a really good talk with a dietician about some dietary things we can do to keep this from happening again. She seemed to be getting some strength back. Overall, we were all very encouraged! The doctor wanted to repeat one scan to check her GI system and see if the issue was completely resolved of not. They came to take her down to x-ray. That is when things started going badly...
Chelsea started having a reaction to one of the medicines she's had, although we had no idea at the time what was really happening to her. It started with her jaw muscles contracting and her tongue thrusting out of her mouth. That continuously got worse, and after about 30 minutes, her neck started seizing. (I don't know if it's actually considered a seizure, but that's the word I'm using to try to give you the right mental image.) Her head was being pulled as far to the left and as far back as it would go, and she couldn't stop it. She was asking me to try and hold her head to keep it forward. I tried, but I couldn't keep it forward no matter how hard I tried. Her neck was contracting that hard. After that, her eyes started rolling back in her head. At this point, we were all getting a little scared. We knew it MIGHT be a reaction to the medicine, but they had given her Benadryl and it wasn't helping yet. We didn't know why it was happing. We didn't know how bad it was going to get. There was just a lot we didn't know. I just kept holding her hand and trying to keep her calm. Matt got back and was able to actually spend some time really talking to the nurse and doctor. That's when we found out that it was definitely a reaction. Her jaw and neck kept seizing for about an hour longer, but they finally subsided. She was OK for about an hour, then round two started. It wasn't as severe as the first round, but it lasted about an hour and a half. It finally stopped around 11:00, and, praise God, didn't happen again. That was the most difficult 5 hours I can ever remember having to endure. But, the real story within this story isn't the "seizures." It's the way Chelsea handled it....
When the first round was really kicking into high gear, Chelsea grabbed my hand and through the seizures and pain, with very slow and deliberate speech said, "Mommy, don't stop praying! You can't stop praying! I'm not stopping! God is here, and He's going to make me better!" I was completely astonished! I have always known Chelsea had a strong faith, but for a 16-year-old who is going through the scariest, most painful experience ever, with no idea why it's happening, to make the choice to get through it by turning to God... Well, let's just say I don't even have a word to describe how amazing it was! Throughout the whole evening, she prayed, used Christian music to stay calm, and asked us to pray over her. I just kept telling her what an amazing testimony she was going to have when this was all said and done!! What's even more amazing is that, once again, we saw first hand how real God's presence is and how he truly can heal those who cry out to him. About 5 minutes after Matt prayed over her, the doctor came in and said there was one more medicine they could give her that might help to relax her muscles some to help get her through. They gave it to her, and about 10 minutes later the "seizure" ended. I am so blessed to have been witness to yet another act of God's hand healing someone I love who is hurting so badly!
The good news is, today has already been MUCH better! She's really exhausted, of course, so she's been sleeping a lot. But, she is talking better, getting around better, finally strong enough to feed herself, and in much less pain. We are on the downslide of the GI issue as well. I'm pretty sure we aren't going home today, but it seems like there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel!
When you pray today, please continue to pray for her healing. But, also please say another prayer of thanks to the amazing God we serve for His presence in this room and in Chelsea's heart, and for the work He has already done for her!
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. ~Romans 5:3-4
We are still working on resolving the GI issue they discovered. That was improving, and she was starting to improve. She was awake for several hours, watched some TV, and had some badly needed and long overdue laughs when her school volloeyball coach came for a visit. We had a really good talk with a dietician about some dietary things we can do to keep this from happening again. She seemed to be getting some strength back. Overall, we were all very encouraged! The doctor wanted to repeat one scan to check her GI system and see if the issue was completely resolved of not. They came to take her down to x-ray. That is when things started going badly...
Chelsea started having a reaction to one of the medicines she's had, although we had no idea at the time what was really happening to her. It started with her jaw muscles contracting and her tongue thrusting out of her mouth. That continuously got worse, and after about 30 minutes, her neck started seizing. (I don't know if it's actually considered a seizure, but that's the word I'm using to try to give you the right mental image.) Her head was being pulled as far to the left and as far back as it would go, and she couldn't stop it. She was asking me to try and hold her head to keep it forward. I tried, but I couldn't keep it forward no matter how hard I tried. Her neck was contracting that hard. After that, her eyes started rolling back in her head. At this point, we were all getting a little scared. We knew it MIGHT be a reaction to the medicine, but they had given her Benadryl and it wasn't helping yet. We didn't know why it was happing. We didn't know how bad it was going to get. There was just a lot we didn't know. I just kept holding her hand and trying to keep her calm. Matt got back and was able to actually spend some time really talking to the nurse and doctor. That's when we found out that it was definitely a reaction. Her jaw and neck kept seizing for about an hour longer, but they finally subsided. She was OK for about an hour, then round two started. It wasn't as severe as the first round, but it lasted about an hour and a half. It finally stopped around 11:00, and, praise God, didn't happen again. That was the most difficult 5 hours I can ever remember having to endure. But, the real story within this story isn't the "seizures." It's the way Chelsea handled it....
When the first round was really kicking into high gear, Chelsea grabbed my hand and through the seizures and pain, with very slow and deliberate speech said, "Mommy, don't stop praying! You can't stop praying! I'm not stopping! God is here, and He's going to make me better!" I was completely astonished! I have always known Chelsea had a strong faith, but for a 16-year-old who is going through the scariest, most painful experience ever, with no idea why it's happening, to make the choice to get through it by turning to God... Well, let's just say I don't even have a word to describe how amazing it was! Throughout the whole evening, she prayed, used Christian music to stay calm, and asked us to pray over her. I just kept telling her what an amazing testimony she was going to have when this was all said and done!! What's even more amazing is that, once again, we saw first hand how real God's presence is and how he truly can heal those who cry out to him. About 5 minutes after Matt prayed over her, the doctor came in and said there was one more medicine they could give her that might help to relax her muscles some to help get her through. They gave it to her, and about 10 minutes later the "seizure" ended. I am so blessed to have been witness to yet another act of God's hand healing someone I love who is hurting so badly!
The good news is, today has already been MUCH better! She's really exhausted, of course, so she's been sleeping a lot. But, she is talking better, getting around better, finally strong enough to feed herself, and in much less pain. We are on the downslide of the GI issue as well. I'm pretty sure we aren't going home today, but it seems like there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel!
When you pray today, please continue to pray for her healing. But, also please say another prayer of thanks to the amazing God we serve for His presence in this room and in Chelsea's heart, and for the work He has already done for her!
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. ~Romans 5:3-4
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Finally Some Answers About Chelsea!!!
So, here I am again...writing from a hospital room. I can't even believe this is happening. Almost three months to the day after I took Matt to the ER, I had to take Chelsea. For Chelsea's sake, I will spare you all the specific details, but here's our last 4 days in a nutshell...
We brought her to the ER on Sunday when she was having abdominal pain so severe it was bringingn her to tears. She had already been sick for 2 weeks, and the pain was just more than she could bear anymore. They really weren't sure what was wrong with her, and she was in so much pain that they decided to admit her. During that first day, the main goal was was to make her comfortable. However, morphine did nothing. Dilotid (don't know if I spelled that right, but it's 10x stronger than morphine) did nothing. She was in pain, and nothing helped her.
On Monday, it was more of the same. They did several tests, most of which came back normal. They still had no idea what was causing her pain. One test indicated there might be gall bladder issues, but it was nothing conclusive enough to say that was for sure the problem. The prospect of surgery, combined with no diagnosis, no pain relief, and the recent memory of Matt's hospitalization left her scared, confused, weak, and still hurting.
On Tuesday, it was more of the same...again. Still no pain relief, no matter what they gave her. Still no answers. They did find one possibility in her GI tract, and began an attempted treatment of that. During that time, the decision was made to move her to Children's. The transfer finally happened while she was in the middle of that treatment, so she didn't get to complete it. We got to Children's Tuesday evening, and were pretty much in a holding pattern for the night. They had to go over her records, review her films, and decide on a course of action. They again tried to make her comfortable to no avail. They ended up giving her some medicine that just made her sleep to get her through the night. The good news with that was that ALL of us finally got some badly needed rest, making it possible for us to tackle the next day with a little more energy.
Today started off with more of the same. She was hurting. Nothing helped. They had no idea what was wrong. They really didn't feel it necessary to do any more tests, as they thought they had looked at everything that could be going on in the tests that had already been done. Needless to say, Matt, my mom, Chelsea's dad, and I had all had it. It has been HORRIBLE to sit and watch her cry and moan in pain day after day. It has been HORRIBLE to listen to her beg me to help her, but not be able to help her. It has been HORRIBLE to keep telling her to be strong and that she could get through this, knowing that she was hanging on by a thread. She was on the verge of breaking, and to be honest, so was I. For four days, I have spent every spare minute praying for God to help her. If I wasn't holding a cold rag on her head, holding her hand, helping her walk to and from the bathroom, feeding her, or stroking her hair telling her that everything was going to be OK, I was praying. Deep down inside, I knew God was listening, but I just didn't understand why He wasn't helping her. My prayers were silent, but trust me when I say, I was still crying out to Him at the top of my lungs on several occasions. Then, late this afternoon, we had a visitor that, I believe, was the blessing we had been waiting for...
A new friend of Matt's who leads a bible study that Matt attends weekly had heard that Chelsea was in the hospital. He really didn't know any of the details, but he asked if he could come pray over her. Of course, we welcomed him with open arms!! He came and visited with us for a little while. Then, he put his hand on Chelsea's shoulder and started praying. He prayed for quite awhile, asking God take to take whatever was causing her pain out of her. He prayed this same request in several different ways over about ten minutes. When he was done, he also assured Chelsea that God was here in the room with her, and asked her if she could take all of her worry and stress and give it to God. In her complete and total exhaustion, she slowly nodded her head. After a few more minutes, he left. Not even 30 minutes after that, one of the doctors came in with a computer. She had an image from a test they did earlier that day that she wanted to show us. (This was a test I asked them to repeat based on our pediatrician's suggestion, to see if the GI issue they found earlier this week truly had resolved.) We looked at the image which clearly showed that the issue was not even close to being resolved, and it was blatantly obvious that this issue WAS the source of Chelsea's pain after all. They promptly resumed treatment for it, and we are now in the middle of that process. By this time tomorrow, she should be feeling a ton better!!
It just amazes me how God is always so faithful. He has never left us, and truly has been working since the minute she got sick. I knew I had to trust in His plan and His timetable, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I've told Him many times this week that trusting in it does NOT mean I have to like it! Strength and courage became our mantras this week, and God has definitely helped all of us to have the strength and courage to make it through this. Once again, the greatness of an amazing God is proven in my life! Now we just has to keep pressing on to get all the way to the finish line!
Please continue to keep Chelsea in your prayers as she finishes this treatment and works towards total healing. And, please don't forget to thank God for the work He is doing with my baby girl!!
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9
We brought her to the ER on Sunday when she was having abdominal pain so severe it was bringingn her to tears. She had already been sick for 2 weeks, and the pain was just more than she could bear anymore. They really weren't sure what was wrong with her, and she was in so much pain that they decided to admit her. During that first day, the main goal was was to make her comfortable. However, morphine did nothing. Dilotid (don't know if I spelled that right, but it's 10x stronger than morphine) did nothing. She was in pain, and nothing helped her.
On Monday, it was more of the same. They did several tests, most of which came back normal. They still had no idea what was causing her pain. One test indicated there might be gall bladder issues, but it was nothing conclusive enough to say that was for sure the problem. The prospect of surgery, combined with no diagnosis, no pain relief, and the recent memory of Matt's hospitalization left her scared, confused, weak, and still hurting.
On Tuesday, it was more of the same...again. Still no pain relief, no matter what they gave her. Still no answers. They did find one possibility in her GI tract, and began an attempted treatment of that. During that time, the decision was made to move her to Children's. The transfer finally happened while she was in the middle of that treatment, so she didn't get to complete it. We got to Children's Tuesday evening, and were pretty much in a holding pattern for the night. They had to go over her records, review her films, and decide on a course of action. They again tried to make her comfortable to no avail. They ended up giving her some medicine that just made her sleep to get her through the night. The good news with that was that ALL of us finally got some badly needed rest, making it possible for us to tackle the next day with a little more energy.
Today started off with more of the same. She was hurting. Nothing helped. They had no idea what was wrong. They really didn't feel it necessary to do any more tests, as they thought they had looked at everything that could be going on in the tests that had already been done. Needless to say, Matt, my mom, Chelsea's dad, and I had all had it. It has been HORRIBLE to sit and watch her cry and moan in pain day after day. It has been HORRIBLE to listen to her beg me to help her, but not be able to help her. It has been HORRIBLE to keep telling her to be strong and that she could get through this, knowing that she was hanging on by a thread. She was on the verge of breaking, and to be honest, so was I. For four days, I have spent every spare minute praying for God to help her. If I wasn't holding a cold rag on her head, holding her hand, helping her walk to and from the bathroom, feeding her, or stroking her hair telling her that everything was going to be OK, I was praying. Deep down inside, I knew God was listening, but I just didn't understand why He wasn't helping her. My prayers were silent, but trust me when I say, I was still crying out to Him at the top of my lungs on several occasions. Then, late this afternoon, we had a visitor that, I believe, was the blessing we had been waiting for...
A new friend of Matt's who leads a bible study that Matt attends weekly had heard that Chelsea was in the hospital. He really didn't know any of the details, but he asked if he could come pray over her. Of course, we welcomed him with open arms!! He came and visited with us for a little while. Then, he put his hand on Chelsea's shoulder and started praying. He prayed for quite awhile, asking God take to take whatever was causing her pain out of her. He prayed this same request in several different ways over about ten minutes. When he was done, he also assured Chelsea that God was here in the room with her, and asked her if she could take all of her worry and stress and give it to God. In her complete and total exhaustion, she slowly nodded her head. After a few more minutes, he left. Not even 30 minutes after that, one of the doctors came in with a computer. She had an image from a test they did earlier that day that she wanted to show us. (This was a test I asked them to repeat based on our pediatrician's suggestion, to see if the GI issue they found earlier this week truly had resolved.) We looked at the image which clearly showed that the issue was not even close to being resolved, and it was blatantly obvious that this issue WAS the source of Chelsea's pain after all. They promptly resumed treatment for it, and we are now in the middle of that process. By this time tomorrow, she should be feeling a ton better!!
It just amazes me how God is always so faithful. He has never left us, and truly has been working since the minute she got sick. I knew I had to trust in His plan and His timetable, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I've told Him many times this week that trusting in it does NOT mean I have to like it! Strength and courage became our mantras this week, and God has definitely helped all of us to have the strength and courage to make it through this. Once again, the greatness of an amazing God is proven in my life! Now we just has to keep pressing on to get all the way to the finish line!
Please continue to keep Chelsea in your prayers as she finishes this treatment and works towards total healing. And, please don't forget to thank God for the work He is doing with my baby girl!!
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9
Friday, March 2, 2012
Prayers for Chelsea...Part 2
Well...I wish I had better news to report. Chelsea is still sick. In fact, she's gotten worse. She has been out of school for 2 weeks now and has been to the doctor three times. She is nautious, has a persistent headache, gets dizzy, is extremely weak and fatigued, and is having chest pain. All the lab work they did on Monday came back normal, except one test that showed that one of her liver enzymes was slightly elevated. He wasn't concerned about this at the time, because it was only slightly elevated, and he said it is normal for that to happen when your body is fighting off something. He also said the chest pain was in the joints in her rib cage, and that her heart and lungs seemed fine. He thought she just had a really nasty virus that could take up to 2 weeks to clear up.
Since then, she started having pain in her right side (right where her liver is), and her chest pain has become constant. Her headache has moved to a different part of her head. All of her other symptoms have stayed exactly the same. She has also started having trouble remembering things and is have the most crazy, bizarre, and sometimes quite frightening nightmares. She is exhausted all the time, but can't really sleep much. We went back to see the doctor today, and now he thinks it's a migraine. He didn't say much about her liver, even though when he barely pushed on it during his examination, it hurt her so badly it almost brought her to tears. He prescribed her a new migraine medicine, as the last one did nothing, but I am a little wary of giving it to her. He said it is an anti-depressant, but it can also be used to treat migrains. It just seems a little extreme to give her a mood-altering drug when my gut is telling me there is something else going on...this is not just a migraine.
For those of you who have been following this blog since the beginning, this may be sounding eerily familiar to you. A lot of what Chelsea is going through right now is extremely similar to what Matt went through, even though the cause of his illness was completely different. I completely trust her doctor, but we are in the process of seeking a second opinion, as I really feel that a fresh set of eyes on this is needed at this point.
I am having a VERY difficult time keeping myself from comparing this to Matt's ordeal. This has just been going on for too long, with no concrete answers, and she isn't getting any better. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared right now. I have been praying like crazy for God to intervene and heal her, or at least just give her a little relief. I've been praying like crazy for God to give the doctor some insight into what is going on with her. I know He hears me...but I also know that He will hear all of you, too. So, once again, I am asking for your help!!! Please, please, PLEASE pray for my baby girl! (Yes, she's 16, but she's still my baby!) Pass this along to any other prayer warriors you know, as well! Matt's ordeal was proof of the power of prayer, and I fully believe it can work now, too!!
Once again, I am trusting in God's plan. I am trusting in God's time table. I am trusting that He knows what He is doing. But, at the same time, as a mother, my heart is breaking...
I WILL praise Him in this storm!
Since then, she started having pain in her right side (right where her liver is), and her chest pain has become constant. Her headache has moved to a different part of her head. All of her other symptoms have stayed exactly the same. She has also started having trouble remembering things and is have the most crazy, bizarre, and sometimes quite frightening nightmares. She is exhausted all the time, but can't really sleep much. We went back to see the doctor today, and now he thinks it's a migraine. He didn't say much about her liver, even though when he barely pushed on it during his examination, it hurt her so badly it almost brought her to tears. He prescribed her a new migraine medicine, as the last one did nothing, but I am a little wary of giving it to her. He said it is an anti-depressant, but it can also be used to treat migrains. It just seems a little extreme to give her a mood-altering drug when my gut is telling me there is something else going on...this is not just a migraine.
For those of you who have been following this blog since the beginning, this may be sounding eerily familiar to you. A lot of what Chelsea is going through right now is extremely similar to what Matt went through, even though the cause of his illness was completely different. I completely trust her doctor, but we are in the process of seeking a second opinion, as I really feel that a fresh set of eyes on this is needed at this point.
I am having a VERY difficult time keeping myself from comparing this to Matt's ordeal. This has just been going on for too long, with no concrete answers, and she isn't getting any better. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared right now. I have been praying like crazy for God to intervene and heal her, or at least just give her a little relief. I've been praying like crazy for God to give the doctor some insight into what is going on with her. I know He hears me...but I also know that He will hear all of you, too. So, once again, I am asking for your help!!! Please, please, PLEASE pray for my baby girl! (Yes, she's 16, but she's still my baby!) Pass this along to any other prayer warriors you know, as well! Matt's ordeal was proof of the power of prayer, and I fully believe it can work now, too!!
Once again, I am trusting in God's plan. I am trusting in God's time table. I am trusting that He knows what He is doing. But, at the same time, as a mother, my heart is breaking...
I WILL praise Him in this storm!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)